Finally Had To Tell Him

As you know the other week I was going to go talk to Jw after work and tell him how damaged I am. All the shit I have been through and things that have happened to me. Because surely if he found out that one thing he wouldn’t stay and then I would know. I would know I was wasting my time like I did on all the rest. I would know he was lying and just saying what he felt I wanted to hear. I wouldn’t be wasting my time anymore or stressing over all the extra stuff since he came in the picture. But as you can read in my post damaged he was pretty sick and I wasn’t going to talk to him about all that at the time. I felt bad for him because he was miserable and I knew he wouldn’t be listening anyway. I couldn’t blame him.

Well early last week things ended up going a little further than expected one night and we have been together a few times since. The first night he was really nervous, in turn made me nervous. Mostly just again wondering if we were doing the right thing us being together over all. How it just seems odd or not real. He was in his last relationship for 8 years he said it been a while since he been with someone new or another women. It made it hard for me to get into at first but after a little bit we both relaxed.

The next time was alright but I had a hard time. It wasn’t really anything to do with him. More me and I couldn’t figure out why or what was bothering me so much.

Last night was horrible, I was into it and wanted to and then everything started happening. I just started shutting down and fighting disconnecting. We ended up just stopping. He could tell something was really bothering me and that something was wrong. He kept asking and saying he was sorry asking if he done something. I told him no that it wasn’t him it was me. We just laid there with him holding me, finally I just told him. I did not know what to say

I just told him it has been about 8 years or more since I was in a relationship but that I had a friend in that time. That being with someone in that way isn’t the same as being with someone in a relationship for me anyway.

That when I was with my ex husband before we got divorced things happened. That because of that I tend to disconnect and shut down. That I haven’t been in a relationship to know how things were going to go or work through it. I don’t know what is really wrong even but figured some things out.

He just pulled me close and didn’t really say anything. He was just quiet for a bit. He started to say something and stopped. I said I know you probably don’t know what to say, I don’t want you to say anything or looking for you to. He said I don’t know what to say. He said it’s alright you didn’t tell me sooner. He said it don’t change how I feel about you, or how I look at you. He said we will work through it. I still love you and I’m not going anywhere. I’m glad you told me and want to help you. We will figure out things together and I told you anytime you need or want to talk I am here.

Fresh, But Not To Fresh

While we were waiting to see what we were going to do for the hurricane, if we needed to stay or go and where Mr. 8 spent a lot of time in his room. He was playing with toys and just laying around on his bed. Like me just hanging out bored and waiting.

He came into my room laid on the bed with me and was talking to me. He told me he had decided he wanted to adopt 5 kids. He wanted to adopt three boys and two girls.

He was asking me how much it cost to adopt and things like that. I looked it up on the phone and told him it was free or very cheap if you did it through foster care. He was asking about that, what it was and things. I told him he had to be 21 to adopt that way.

He said well I will get a dog and buy a house at 18 and hang out until I am 21 and can adopt my kids. He said I have thought about it, I want them to be around 5/6 but not 7/8 years old. He want on to say he wants them fresh but not to fresh.

I said what? Fresh but not, to fresh?

He said yeah I want them to be potty trained and be able to do things for their selves like eat and do fun things. But I don’t want them to be 7/8 because that is to fresh.

I asked him why 5 not 4 or 6 kids? Why 3 boys and two girls? why not more girls, less boys?

He explained that 5 kids would be enough chose how much did I think he could handle? He thought he could handle 5 but not more. He said he is a boy and knows about boys more than girls so that was why he wanted 3 boys and only two girls.

He is such a sweet, caring and thoughtful little guy. I hope he stays that way. I hope he grows up and does get to adopt and have his 5 kids. Maybe by then he will decide that he wants a wife or girlfriend. For the last few years and even now he has said he don’t want a girlfriend or wife he will just have a dog they are less trouble. Oh and he don’t have to kiss them and a girlfriend or wife will want him to kiss them and that is just weird.

My oldest mr. , Mr. 13 wants to have an orphanage when he is older and all the kids are going to get a pet and he is going to take pictures of them and show people to find them a home.

Now a Heart Attack

Wednesday Little Bitty had to go get a tooth pulled. She was supposed to go at 2 so they could give her the gas to calm her down. I arranged with the guys to leave at 1 and with Pops to come in late and cover me.

Tuesday when I was winding down for the day I called Pops to remind him and confirm everything. Not 10 minutes after I got off the phone they call to say they messed up they need her there at 10 am. I am supposed to be at work at 10 am. I told her I did not know I had to see if I could work it out.

I called Pops back and told him and ask if he could cover morning instead have the after noon free. He said it worked better for him because he had to go to the doctor at 3.

Wednesday I take Little Guy to school and came home and laid back down with Little Bitty. It was only 8 so we had an hour or more before we needed to go.

About 830 I got a text from the owner saying his dad could not open for me today so they were just going to put a note on the door saying opening at noon.

I said oh no, okay I hope to be there before but should not be any later. He never responded back.

We went they couldn’t pull it because there is a spot on the gums. They gave her meds and sent her home. I got her lunch and dropped her off at school.

I got to work at like 11:40. I clocked in opened everything up and got everything going. I decided to call Pops and check on him, see if everything was alright.

He said he was getting lunch and then coming in. I told him there was no rush I was just calling to check on him make sure he was alright since he couldn’t open. He said something I couldn’t understand and then said he told you what happen didn’t he?

I said no that is why I am calling to see if you are alright. See if you need something.

He said I have been at the hospital all morning I just left came to get something to eat before I came in. He said my brother that lives with me had a heart attack this morning I had to call 911 to come get him.

I said no I had no idea he never said. I couldn’t figure out why you wouldn’t have come in something must be wrong.

Later after he came in he said his brother came in his room or to the door called him ask if he was getting up. He told him no he wasn’t right now or yet. Hadn’t planed on it. He said well he thought he was having a heart attack and needed to go to the er.

He said he jumped up put his clothes on and called 911. He said he looked bad. He was scared to try and take him hisself.

He said when they got him to the hospital they took him straight to the OR and worked on him. They had to put 2 stints in and bring him back why they had him on the table. He was in ICU.

He said he lost a nephew in September he had not gotten over, then his wife two days after Christmas and he said now this. I feel so bad its hitting him hard he is struggling.

Just Keep Her Comfortable

This last week the one owner and his dad Pop’s have not been there. Pop’s wife was supposed to be taken to the cancer center or hospital over across the state this last week. I was glade the owner was with them because the dad is very confused about things.

Then the other owner came in a few times and helped or just to check in. From what I gathered she was still at the hospital in town not far from the shop. She went in the day before Thanksgiving. I am not 100% sure but what I am thinking.

Friday the guys came in one thats been there this week got there first he just went to work. The other one came in they talked back and forth a second the first one that came in said bye i said bye. The other said HI, BYE as he popped his head around the corner. I said good morning bye guys have a good day. They left and I didn’t hear from them the rest of the day.

Later it was just about time for me to leave and I thought I haven’t been paid, it’s Friday. I started to call one of them but figured I would just wait they were probably on their way and walk in any minute or call to make arrangements to pay me. In a little bit the one that hasn’t been there and a guy came in. They came into the shop before you get to my office. I had some questions and a few things to tell him. I waited until they weren’t really talking and called out to him got up to walk out there. I didn’t see him on tv I turned came around he was there handed me money. He said I’m so sorry I forgot it was Friday and forgot about paying you. I smiled said its alright I’m here until 5 either way. I figured you would be back or get a hold of me. He looked surprised I wasn’t mad. I needed it but could have worked it out until Monday or met them later when they got back in town. Its been a stressfull week a lot going on.

I asked him something about setting up their calls he said things should be closer or pretty much back to normal him there come Monday. He said they finally got his mom home the day before or that day.

I said oh good did they take it out or just do the biopsy so far? He said they can’t take it out at this point all they can do is make her comfortable.

I was floored, I didn’t know what to say to him. I said I’m so sorry, I said it is such a hard thing to go through and deal with. I said we went through it with my grandpa and seen a friend of the family go through it. He said really? I said yeah it’s hard and sad, I’m sorry. He was messing with something on the desk he put it down said have a good weekend see you Monday. I just said see you monday. He left, i locked up shut stuff down did my drop and left.

I feel so bad for them. I don’t know what to say or do. I don’t look for Pop’s to be back in for a while. Maybe at all, if so probably once in awhile here and there. This is hard really hard on him and if something happens it is going to devastate him. I don’t know if he be in any shape to come back. If so not for awhile.

Wow, Powerful

For the woman whose husband makes an “extra stop” after work every evening.
For the woman who is mourning the loss of a pregnancy that nobody else knew about.
For the woman who was fired for her fourth tardy because she has been awake for a straight week with a sick child.
For the single mom who doesn’t know how the utilities are going to stay on this month.
For the woman who has gone through 2 IVF’s and has tried for five years without success but still shows up to every baby shower for her friends.
For the woman who still hasn’t forgiven herself for the abortion that she had 20 years ago.
For the woman who has a line of judging eyes at her and her children as she slides her ebt card at the grocery store.
For the woman that opens the door to the news of her husband being killed overseas three weeks before he was to return home.
For the woman that lives a with a quiet anxiety because nobody understands what you could possibly stressed about.
For the woman that gives to her family all day- everyday and just.needs.a.break.
For the woman that smiles at strangers all day in public- but weeps silently every night.
For the woman that heard the rumor about herself at church today.
For the woman sleeping next to a stranger every night.
For the woman whose genetics will never allow her to look like the ones in the magazines.
For the woman that endures one broken relationship after another because there was no father around to teach her what love looks like.
For the woman raising a fatherless daughter and praying that history doesn’t repeat itself.
For every single woman that cries in the shower so that nobody else can see. Because if you aren’t strong-nobody is.
Just because the water washes your tears doesn’t mean that you don’t cry.
I am you. I see you. I am with you, I cry with you.

Work Tomorrow

I have to go work at my friends husbands shop tomorrow for a few hours after I drop the kids off at school and daycare. It is already 1 am and I am still wide awake sitting her talking to her about all the shit Wanda has done and did over the year and how she caused so many problems between me and her over the last few years. I still just can’t believe all this happen, in ways it still don’t seem real even though I know it is. Then at the same time I seems to real and mind blowing how people can be.

I am not sure what to expect when I go to the shop to work tomorrow. With all that has went on over the last few years and all that has went on the last few months. And just the way her husband is to start with, but I need the work and I need the money so I am going to go. He has been talking to me off and on the last few months when he was talking to Wanda she don’t know that because we were not talking like we are now or like we did before. He has always tried to talk to me even back when we were all friends and things. But I am not to worried about it because she knows me and knows that I don’t want her old man and he knows that if he don’t want me to out him and Wanda then he better just keep to himself I don’t think it will be bad. Just maybe a little awkward at first because we haven’t all hung out talked been friends in so long. When me and RC were together we all use to hang out a lot and after we split up I hung out with their family. I had known them before RC and they were the ones that help me when we were homeless and she was the one that was there when I had Little Bitty.

I want to be friends again with them, my kids loved their kids we were always together but after everything that has happened, I don’t want to get that close friend wise or anything again. It’s like we can talk you stay over there I stay over here, there be no more than talking no get together s no kids play dates nothing like that. We use to do everything together before. RC’s kids called her husband uncle my Little Guy use to call him Papa. Then all of a sudden they weren’t there no more all over lies I am finding out now. 4 years have passed things are so different. I feel like I need put my kids in a bubble and protect them from everyone I know that isn’t good either. I just don’t know it so hard to know who is just fucking around and who isn’t.

 

Going to have a good one

I am laying here on my bed typing my blog post and my Little Guy comes in and starts rubbing my feet. I ask him if he is going to rub his wife’s feet for her? He says yes, because I am going to have a good loving wife and she is going to be a Christian. He then asks me if I would find him a good wife when he gets older and decides he wants to get married. I said what if you don’t like the one I pick out for you. He said you will meet them and bring them home and I will decide if I like her or not. If I don’t then you can bring home a different one. I don’t know where this kid comes up with some of this stuff. At least he is only 6 we have time to work on this. He still says him, his wife, kids and all their animals are going to live with me. Maybe I should pick his wife if I am going to have to live with her too.

If Begging Don’t Work

I was sitting on the bed getting everyone ready to go so I could pick my check up. This song came on.

My 4 yr old little guy is there I am helping him get ready. This is the conversation that took place. I found it comical and cute.

Me to little guy– What if your wife don’t know how to cook? What are you going to do?

little guy– Maybe she just needs the ingredients, I will give her the ingredients.

Me–what if she don’t know what to do with them?

little guy– I do you put them in the pan and mix them all together. I will show her.

Me–What is she just won’t cook or don’t want to cook?

little guy–Oh that’s easy I will just beg her

Me—lmbo what if she still won’t cook?

little guy–I will beg her then just do it myself.