{August 9, 2019}   But No One Was Getting HIT

I hear this when people are talking relationships and why they break up or broke up. It makes me want to scream and turns my stomach.

I am watching the Girlfrinds Guide to Divorce on Netflex

The lady is talking to her brother about getting a divorce. He is against it and thinks it is a bad idea. Which is funny because he is gay. You would think he would be one of the last ones to have a problem with it. He says he don’t understand it no one was getting hit, no one was cheating, blah blah. She says to him sorry I wasn’t getting hit. He of course says oh that wasn’t what he meant and things.

I hear this and I just want to scream. Not everyone knows if someone was or wasn’t getting hit, no one ever knew i was getting hit when I was with Father of the year. Most still don’t. Most have no idea  the ex stint of the abuse that went on. Because again no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Why do people feel the need to justify your decisions or change your mind? How do they think telling you that you weren’t getting hit makes everything else fine?

There is a lot more reasons to end a relationship other than getting hit. I relationship needs more to survive and be healthy other than two people knowing how to keep their hands to their selves. I mean don’t we all pretty much know this and do it on a daily bases when dealing with people in our daily life? Isn’t that one of the first things we learn as kids is not to hit? Isn’t it like one of the fist rules when you start school and in every class? Keep hands and feet to yourself? We don’t say at least he wasn’t kicking you around.

I just don’t understand this, like the only people others decide to hit are their spouse or partner? Where did this idea that the only time we should get out of a relationship is if we are being hit? Why does this only apply to married couples and partners if this is the case? If we decide not to be friends with someone because we don’t like something they do, something they said, the way they treat us or just because we decided we didn’t want to, why don’t people say oh no you should still be friends because hey, they don’t hit you? Why is it okay to end any other relationship for any reason but to end a marriage or partnership we have to be getting knocked around?  We have to have black and blue marks or black eyes? Maybe we are getting out before it comes to that? maybe it has come to that and it’s been hidden? Because the person was embarrassed or just felt that it wasn’t everyone in the worlds business to know.

If someone says they are getting out of a relationship or getting a divorce they are not asking you to be okay with it, they are not asking you if it is okay, they are not asking if you agree with it or if it is what you would do. They are telling you to let you know, they are telling you to have the support, they are telling you because they feel they can confide in you and not be judged. If you are a true friend then don’t judge, don’t try to justify it, don’t try to fix it or make their decision okay. Just be there for them, listen to them, support them. If you can’t tell them that so that they can find someone who can.

Don’t try to talk someone into staying or tell them to work it out or it will get better. Because you most likely don’t know everything and what you are trying to talk them into holding onto and work out. Bff use to tell me the same thing when we first met and I told her we were in the process of separating and getting a divorce. She thought it was horrible and I needed to work it out and just hang in there it would get better. After she was around for a while and seen she even says she was wrong and feels bad for saying it and understands. Now that she is going through it she is really starting to see a lot and understand a lot more. You may feel your the bff and been around and know everything and they tell you everything but you don’t know at all. My own family didn’t know and we lived with them and next to them and everything for years. We seen them all the time. His family didn’t know, no one knew. Because we were the “perfect” family in public and around people.

He of course isn’t going to flip out and do shit in front of others when he puts on this show of being the perfect husband and father and doing no wrong. Some people are private people or don’t trust everyone. Others need to decide and figure things out on their own before everyone gets in involved. That is the route I decided to take. Nothing wrong  with either way. It is not for us to judge or decide the way others should handle things. it is just up to us to be there when they do come to us and tell us what they feel they can or should share with us.


{March 20, 2019}   Strong Women

I shared this last year on my facebook. Not sure if I shared it here or not but felt it needed shared.

What are your thoughts?

Sleeping Beauty never showed on Sunday for dinner or to fix Bff’s headlight like he was supposed to. He was supposed to do it Friday and didn’t show, then Saturday and didn’t show. He worked late and then had to work Saturday and was supposed to come after that but he had to work and worked later and got in a fight with the boss and all this. Sunday he told her he was trying to get a ride home all day he couldn’t get a ride. Then he said his mom was in the hospital. He finally got a ride about 6 and was about half way home. She asked if he was coming and if he was moving down the street like he was supposed to. He told her yes but he had to go home wash clothes, pack, clean get a shower and all this. Give him time, he was getting aggravated with her I could tell by the way he was answering. So then she told him we were going to Apple bee’s with the kids. He said he thought we were cooking at home. She told him we did we were going later the kids could sing and things. He said okay he wanted to go and to save him some dinner. Well about 8 she tried to get a hold of him see if she could head that way to pick him up because he needed a ride he didn’t answer. We left around 9 something I said he will message in a bit I bet you and want you to pick him up. She said maybe he didn’t have service. I said nope it is ringing he has service he is just not answering. I said he will say he was sleeping he fell a sleep. I said I wouldn’t go do it tell him he knew he didn’t get back with you. He just ignoring you right now. Because we already had this discussion about his phone and when he is in his room no service it don’t even ring. When he was sleeping and I was trying to call him it wouldn’t go through he said no it don’t do anything when he is in there. Then he gets his text later the ones that end up coming through.

Well she had to pick her kid up from work we were meeting over there. I had one of her kid she had one of mine. I got there and got a table and everything and she calls and says he called and is ready to be picked up he fell a sleep blah blah. Was it okay for her to take mine with her to get him. I told her yes. So they got there like an hour after we did. We stayed for about an hour and a half and left it was midnight then.

They got there and sat down Bff sat across from me and he sat at the chair they put at the end of the table all the kids were sitting down on the other side beside each other. We were all joking around and talking. Different songs would come on and we would sit there and be singing along or what. The song picture came on and I was singing along he started singing along to it. That line about filling up on cocaine and whiskey came up and he s stop singing and said something about the two of them together and and made this face. Like you do when someone says something about something you have done it wasn’t a good experience. I didn’t say anything I just looked at Bff but she was doing something with one of the kids or the waitress she didn’t catch it. I wanted to say something but I didn’t.

Then in a minute it says wish I had a good women to miss me. Sleeping Beauty says, I wish I had a good women to miss me. I started to say no you don’t you just want one that will use you and don’t care that is what your use to. A good women scares you and you runaway. One of the kids or Bff said something and I was trying to listen to them. I thought what the hell was you about to say, to myself? If they had not said something I would of said it and it probably would of started something. I wasn’t going to say it nasty or what just sarcastic in a joking around matter but he probably would of still gotten mad.

{September 23, 2018}   Strong Women


When they see you as a strong woman, they think that you do not need anything or anyone, you can bear everything and will overcome whatever happens. That you do not mind being listened to, cared for or pampered.

When they see you as a strong woman, they just look for you to help them carry their crosses. They talk to you and they think you do not need to be heard.

A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering or falling, if she has anxiety or fear. The important thing is that she is always there: a lighthouse in the fog or a rock in the middle of the sea.

The strong woman is not forgiven anything. If she loses control, she becomes weak. If she loses her temper, she becomes hysterical.

When the strong woman disappears a minute, it is immediately noticeable, but when she is there, her presence is usual.

But the strength that is needed every day, to be that kind of woman, does not matter to anyone.

Honor, recognize, respect and thank the strong women in your life, because they also need to be restrained, loved and feel that they can rest.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

1. Proverbs 31:25
“She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.”
2. Psalm 46:5
“God is within her, she will not fall.”
3. Luke 1:45
“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.”
4. Proverbs 31:17
“She is energetic and strong, a hard worker.”
5. Psalm 28:7
“The Lord is my strength and my shield.”
6. Proverbs 11:16
“A gracious woman gains respect, but ruthless men gain only wealth.”
7. Joshua 1:9
“Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
8. Proverbs 31:30
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”
9. 1 Corinthians 15:10
“By the grace of God, I am what I am.”
10. Proverbs 31:26
“When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.”
11. Psalm 139:14
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
12. 1 Peter 3:3-4
“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.”
13. Colossians 2:10
“And in Christ you have been brought to fullness.”
14. 2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
15. Jeremiah 29:11
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'”
16. Exodus 14:14
“The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”
17. Song of Songs 4:7
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.”
Next time you’re feeling discouraged or weak, come back to these verses and use them to give you the strength and power that you need to conquer your battles.


{August 19, 2018}   Just as I Suspected

Sleeping Beauty is not doing well. I he has been up and down a lot lately. With his birthday last week I figured it hit again. It already had a week or so before. I don’t think he is really getting through this one, I think it is the depression really trying to set in and hold on for a while. He does not need that.

I had not heard from him since last night, I messaged him a few times. I just said good morning and that I was sorry about last night. Us not being able to go like we had planned.

About 930pm I was sitting at work with nothing to do so I asked if he was okay? He answered back right away no. But he didn’t want to talk aboug it he was over all the shit. He will not say anything most the time that anything is wrong, he will just stop talking or we will talk some but I can tell by things he says or does things are not going good. Like him telling me he was going to hang out with the guy we use to work with all of a sudden out of the blue. I knew then something was up. I figured when he wanted to go to the beach we would talk. Even that for him to bbring up going I knew.

I said a few things he didn’t respond. I said something about packing everything leaving moving not telling no one he said he been thinking about it. From there we talked a awhile.

I locked up and went home at 11. I told him I was leaving had time to kill lets go sit by the river. He said it was late. I know they probably do not want them coming and going all hours of the night there. I had not thought of that.

He said something about needing something and I laughed. He like its not funny its been a long time.

I ask him why he had not found a women?

He said maybe because every fucking women out there is about the money.

I said sad but true and that he wasn’t the first to say that lately. That some friends have been saying the same.

Its bullshit and nobody knows what the word LOVE means.

I said nope its all about what can you buy me give me do for me. I think about how hard it has been for me the last year. I think what chance to my kids have at ever really meeting someone decent and being happy?

Yeah and everybody tells me why i cant get a place of my own and i tell them that u should talk bc their in a relationship wheres theres 2 people paying for shit.

I have heard this over and over again from girls, and even some guys talking about guys. I they don’t have a car, job, house, make 6 figures he not worth my time or he not worth your time. It drives me crazy.

I said I struggle to make it here. Only thing gets paid on time is rent. Everything else gets paid as i can and shut off notice come. I can’t help it. Im doing best i can.

Thats all u can do dont stop ur a good woman and a good mom.

I said everyone says my place is a dump how bad it is and what an unsafe area I live in. No my place is not the best its a house built in the 50/60s and not a lot has been upgraded but the floors. It could use a good going through. But it isn’t like its falling down unlivable or anything like that. Its a house like any other just a little old. If i had to move from here we would be homeless because rents are to high. Its good enough it has put a roof over my kids heads the last five years.

I need to find me a sugar momma. I laughed. He said serious.

All girls see when they look at a guy is car job house how much that job brings home. They don’t see a person.

Its not about all that its about the person, where they are in life, why do they have this, why don’t they have that, what are they doing with their life, are they trying?

Just seems people don’t get that relationships are about being partners helping eachother building together to make things better for both of you. Not finding someone to give you everything and never do anything.

He never seen them until the middle of the night and has not responded back. I figure as late as it was he fell asleep.

It is 737am i have been up since 630. My little ones tooth is bothering him again. Had to get him meds. They are supposed to pull it in the morning lets pray they can. I am going to try and sleep a few more hours before work. It was so late when I went to bed and I been up and down all night. I am shocked I made it through this laying here without passing out.

{June 2, 2018}   Need vs. Want

Love this, I say it all the time and people just don’t get it.

There’s nothing sexy about being needed. I feel it after a long day at work after hundreds of children have made their demands, becoming more task-monitor and cognition-manager than woman. Mothers describe feeling like little more than a milk-generating machine during those months when breastfeeding may be a constant. Bread-winners may start to feel more…

via “I Want You” vs. “I Need You” — Lessons From the End of a Marriage

{May 14, 2018}   Not Dumb, But Scared

Because we intimidate them. They don’t get what we see in them or why we want them. They feel as if they aren’t good enough. But if they weren’t they wouldn’t be there to start with. They don’t see what we see in them. They feel that they aren’t good enough and worry we are going to feel the same once we get finished bettering ourselves. They feel if we can do all this and making something for ourselves we are going to decide we need a man who is doing the samething for himself and them if they are going to be together. They feel they aren’t in step or on the same level anymore.

When the truth is they are most the time. I know a lot of guys that I have dated and talk to haven’t been to college or anything like that. But they all have decent jobs or careers. They have a trade or field they have picked up and just went with it. Some have more than one they can fall back on. They work hard and just your everyday person. That’s fine, there is nothing wrong with it. I am your average everyday person as well. I just happen to of decided to go back to school to do better for me and my kids. Because unlike these guys, I can’t just fall into these decent jobs and trades like most of them have. Only way I can do better is to go back to school. That don’t make me better than them or them not good enough. It just means I want to beable to help and do my part. If his job or anything was a problem I never got with them to start with. As long as he keeps working, continues to be the person he has always been then he is going to always be the one I want to be with. They just don’t see it that way.

I don’t think they are dumb as much as they are scared. I think men are more scared of change than women are honestly.

Don’t get me wrong I am know there are some who are just stupid and do stupid shit. But I think a lot of them are intimidated.

But I will get down off my soap box and hush now.

{May 1, 2018}   Wow, Powerful

For the woman whose husband makes an “extra stop” after work every evening.
For the woman who is mourning the loss of a pregnancy that nobody else knew about.
For the woman who was fired for her fourth tardy because she has been awake for a straight week with a sick child.
For the single mom who doesn’t know how the utilities are going to stay on this month.
For the woman who has gone through 2 IVF’s and has tried for five years without success but still shows up to every baby shower for her friends.
For the woman who still hasn’t forgiven herself for the abortion that she had 20 years ago.
For the woman who has a line of judging eyes at her and her children as she slides her ebt card at the grocery store.
For the woman that opens the door to the news of her husband being killed overseas three weeks before he was to return home.
For the woman that lives a with a quiet anxiety because nobody understands what you could possibly stressed about.
For the woman that gives to her family all day- everyday and just.needs.a.break.
For the woman that smiles at strangers all day in public- but weeps silently every night.
For the woman that heard the rumor about herself at church today.
For the woman sleeping next to a stranger every night.
For the woman whose genetics will never allow her to look like the ones in the magazines.
For the woman that endures one broken relationship after another because there was no father around to teach her what love looks like.
For the woman raising a fatherless daughter and praying that history doesn’t repeat itself.
For every single woman that cries in the shower so that nobody else can see. Because if you aren’t strong-nobody is.
Just because the water washes your tears doesn’t mean that you don’t cry.
I am you. I see you. I am with you, I cry with you.

A good woman Knows God

She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without she will just be played with. A good women is proud, she respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, nor dose she expect them to lead her mind. She’s quite capable of articulating her needs. A good women is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love, there for she gives love, she recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken for granite it soon disappears. A good women had a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will at times have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them. A good women knows her past, understands her present and forces toward the future. A good women dose not live in the fear of the future because of her past. Instead she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love.

Pass this along to all the good women you know.

{March 28, 2015}   A Confident Women

Fist I just have to say I love my tattoo (You can check it out here My New Tattoo) but I do not love this stage of the healing. It is at the peeling and itching like crazy stage. I just want to reach down and dig it off my foot. I say this because it is driving me crazy as I sit here and try to write my post. Makes it hard to think sometimes.


Back to the original post now. As I said in my previous post I made it to my monthly women’s bible study at church last night. Well I guess that would really be two nights ago now seeing as it is already Friday as I write this. The leader is the ministers wife she is a minister as well. They went to school together to do this.

She showed a video of Joyce Myers called the 7 secrets of a confident women. They are…………….

Secret #1—A Confident Woman Knows That She Is Loved

Secret #2—A Confident Woman Refuses To Live In Fear

Secret #3—A Confident Woman Is Positive

Secret #4—A Confident Woman Recovers From Setbacks

Secret #5—A Confident Woman Avoids Comparison

Secret #6—A Confident Woman Does Not Live In “If Only” And “What If”

Secret #7—A Confident Woman Takes Action

Why she was talking about these all I could do was sit there and think what happen? Where did I go? That use to be me. I use to be so confident and never cared what anyone thought and wouldn’t take no for an answer or let a bump along the way stop me. Now I fight to drag myself out of bed and get the things I need to do done. Much less be confident.

Loved I don’t feel loved by anyone any more. Why would I no one seems to have anything good to say and always has something to say about anything I do. The kids its a fight to get them to do anything at all even take care of their self and shower is a fight. They don’t feel they should have to do anything and complain about everything. Nothing is ever good enough or just ok or looked as it is my life I decide what to do with it and even though it isn’t what you would do don’t mean it is wrong. Lately I keep hearing you can’t be loved over an over in my head and the things that were said when me and RC were arguing.

A confident women don’t live in fear. It seems I don’t make a move with out thinking so and so is going to say this and such and such is going to start about that. I don’t want to hear what that one has to say when they find out. Like I have to answer to them or something. I know I don’t but I still don’t feel like talking about it or listening to it. Then feeling guilty for doing something when there is really nothing to feel guilty about. It was my decision and I did what I wanted or what I wanted felt was best.

I don’t feel positive at all any more. It seems that no matter what I do or try to do how good it seems to be going something comes along and it turns into a mess. About the only thing I can say I am positive of is that whatever it is something will happen to keep it from happening or working out the way I would like. I really try hard not to look at things that way and feel that way. I go into things feeling and thinking this is it its going to be great and it still ends up not working.

Recovers from set backs. Setbacks use to be nothing more than something for me to over come and say see I could do it no matter what happens or tries to stop me. I had so many set backs trying to buy my house I know my poor boss was ready to throw in the towel and give up. But I go in he said this came up they said this we can’t close now until it is taken care of or it looks like it isn’t going to work out. I just look at him say what do they want I will make it happen and I would. We had I think 4 closing dates before we finally closed and there were a ton of things that happen before we even could get a closing date. There was no giving up or forgetting it. I was that way with everything. Now with all that has happen over the years I feel like I live in one big set back that I am never going to get out of so why try. I still do try at times but I feel that there is so much stacked against me that this is it.

A Confident Woman Avoids Comparison, I think this is the only one that I really don’t do. I am not sure why and I may in sometimes. But for the most part I don’t feel that anyone is any better or any less than I am. I know the things I want and I work to get them. It don’t bother me if others have things or what they have. I just figure they got theirs and I will get mine in time if it is I’m supposed to.

Ah the good old “If only’s” And “what if’s” I have never really had a problem with the what if’s because if they happen then you do what you have to do get through them and move on. Not something to worry about because what if I never did anything because of what might happen? Then I would never leave my house and have a life. The if only’s I have said if only this or that but mostly just in passing joking or just a in our dreams kind of thing. Never really feeling that if only I had this or that things would be better. But lately I have lived with the if only’s and the what if’s. If I had more money was able to just go out and work whatever job and hours like father of the year and rc me and the kids would be a lot better off. I wouldn’t have to worry about what is going to happen once we are on our own again. But that comes up a lot. That leads to the what if we end up homeless again or how do we not end up homeless again and not have to live the way we are now with everyone unhappy. I feel if only things had turned out different than they did when I was out the first time.

A confident women takes action. Again use to be me a set back came up, and what if happen it wasn’t a big deal. I just go into what needs to be done to fix it how do we make that happen? What if we do this and this. It isn’t working ok then do it this way or fight for it because it is supposed to work or be that way. Now I feel like I am beat down and wore out. I feel that I am tired of being the one to always take action and have to handle everything. I am tired of being the one to always take action and fix everything or try to. I am tired of always being the one fighting to make sure everything is being done right and making sure it is if it wasn’t. I feel like I have no more action or fight left in me. I feel like I have no more energy in me to do anything. Like I said I fight to get out of bed most days and be any kind of productive where am I supposed to get the energy to take action on anything else.

I feel like why do any of this when no one cares and all I hear is how I should have done this I needed to do that, I didn’t do this and that over there is just not right. Why even care and why do more than just get through a day and day to day things.

I really don’t know how to get back to where I was and how I use to be. I have often thought about this and how I lost myself and everything I was over the last few years or more. Mostly the last year or so that I was with father of the year and he did me the way he did and treated me how he did and still to this day the way he dose and treats me still and I feel stuck and as if I can’t get a way from it or out of it. It is hard to believe that a person can make such a 360 degree turn around from what they where and what they are now and not even notice until its to late and it is done. I feel like someone just took that part of me and erased it from ever existing but there is that little part of me that knows it did but I can’t get it back or prove it. I feel like but an empty shell trying to figure out what to do and where to go from here and how to get there.



et cetera
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