The year sure ended with one hell of a bang, Not one that anyone wanted to be a part of or will forget any time soon. December 31, 2013 will never be forgotten. I will forever remember where I was what I was doing and what I did. I’m sure the next few weeks, months will be the same. Forever burnt into my mind and heart, and end up being one of the worse and hardest times I have had to deal with so far in life.

My mom called me at about 11:30 yesterday morning and said that my dad had been taken to the hospital and they were keeping him. My brother again wouldn’t call and tell me or tell me anything that was going on. He called her at 9:30am but she fell back to sleep and just got up remembered and called me.

I got ready and headed up there to see him and what was going on. I was almost half way there and my brother decided that maybe he should call me for whatever reason. He then tells me that he hadn’t just gotten taken up there like I thought he had. He tells me they went last night and had been there over night. They were doing test and getting him a room and things.

He tells me they have done a tone of test over night and that he was lined up to do a bunch more through the morning. If there was a test they could do they were doing it pretty much. He said he been up there the last hour and they still didn’t have him in his room. They told him it would be another 3 or 4 hours before they would have him in his room again.

He then tells me that they said there was a nodule on or in the lung and that it had changed since they seen it before so now they are worried about it unlike before. They found 5 legends on his liver. He came over Christmas day and he got sick said he wasn’t feeling good we thought he had this stomach bug going around. He said he went in and was talking to him the night before and he said he thought he needed to go to the doctor. He never goes to the doctors. Then he told him he hadn’t been able to keep anything down for days. He said he been getting dinner he told him he been throwing it a way or feeding it to the dog. So they went to the hospital. They were thinking his gallbladder. But they needed to check the other they found and look at it and see.

I stopped at my friend J’s since he said he wasn’t in his room and wouldn’t be back for a while. I talked to her and called up there. They said he just got done with testing and should be back in a little bit. We rode up there. The nurse practitioner came in after a while and talked with us.

She preceded to tell me what they found on the lung and the liver. Then she dropped the bomb that was not expecting to hear. She said he has a 5 cm or about 2 inch tumor in his stomach and that is why he hasn’t been able to keep stuff down. She said they aren’t able to remove it that it would be a very involved surgery that he isn’t able to go through. I already knew that before she said it. They really didn’t want to do the surgery to remove the cancer off his face 4 years ago and told us he may not wake up from being put under. Because of his lungs and a vent really isn’t a option either because he wouldn’t be able to come off of it after. She said they had him set up to do another scan I forget if it was a cat or mri in a little bit he had to drink the contrast so they could do it. She said they are looking at the pelvis area to see if there is anything in that area now that they have checked everywhere else. She said they really couldn’t tell us much more until the biopsies came back and they did this test to see if they find anything else. So now we just sit and wait. She said the doctor was talking about going in and putting a stint in to open the G.I track so that he could keep stuff down. I guess where the tumor is blocking since they can’t take it out.

He is so mesireable and just wants to come home. He was laying there in his jeans and hospital gown. He has lost so much weight and is so cold. He said he ask my brother to bring him some stuff and he didn’t bring the right stuff. He brought him some shirt he couldn’t wear because of the i.v’s and things. I told him I had to go but I would come up later that night. Me and my friend J went to the store and got him a nice warm pair of sweat pants and some stuff. I took it back up to him and talk to him for a little bit longer. By then it was dinner time and he was getting ready to go for his test. I told him I was going to come take care of the kids and that I would come up today and see him. I feel bad it is almost 11:30 and I haven’t been back up yet but I called a little while a go and his friend was up there she said she was going to be there for a while sitting with him and things. I figured I would wait a little while until she left. That way we all weren’t there at once and leave and he is just sitting there all day alone.

They told me there was always a doctor to talk to when I came up to just let the nurse know and they would page them to come in when I got there. I was asking the doctor yesterday when she would be back in to talk to him about the test they did last night and when her rounds were. I told her I have 4 kids at home but I need to be there to see him and be with him when she was there. Thats when she told me her or the other doctor one or the other would be there to just have them call.

His blood is also very low, I’m not sure what the number range is but they said that at 7 they start giving you blood and his was a 7.6. He is very adamant that he dose not want blood and he dose not give blood. He says he dose not believe in it and you can pick up germs that way. I just asked the doctor about it and that this is where he is this is what you all do and he don’t want it so then what. She said there really isn’t a lot they can do they just give him floods and things and watch him if he don’t want it try to help the body make it on it’s own basically I guess.

My brother is having a fit about that and him not wanting the blood and me not pushing him to get the blood. I don’t blame him and can’t say I would take it if I needed it either. I don’t know what I would do because I have not been put in that situation. But I have read about it and know that even before when they were supposed to do testing they didn’t and I can’t say that even thought it is years later I find it hard to trust they still do all the testing and things that need or are supposed to be done. So I can’t tell him it is safe and things and oh just do it I would. Because I really don’t know if I would or not.

He act to me like he seems to think that if daddy gets the blood he would be able to have the surgery for his stomach. I told him that wasn’t the case that he couldn’t because of his lungs. He says no his lungs are fine and he came out of it last time just fine. But it has been over 4 years since the last one he didn’t have this thing on his lung and it hadn’t changed. He is in denial of what they are really telling us I think. They said even at this point chemo and radiation probably wouldn’t be a option. But like they said we have to find out what we are really dealing with before we can really say what his options are. We don’t know what options we need to be talking about or eliminating because we don’t know what we are dealing with. We all know more than likely cancer but we can’t say for sure. Until we do we aren’t doing anyone any good by talking about what we can or can’t do. Who knows what may change between know and when they get the test back. He could get stronger and even though we know that surgery isn’t going to be able to be put out there as one if needed chemo and things could be. I would rather wait until we know what we are dealing with before we talk about all of it.

I don’t know what they are going to find but I pray that whatever it is this dose not turn into a long drawn out miserable thing for him. Be it is something they can help him or something they can’t. I don’t want them to say they are helping him and it just be him laying in a bed unable to do anything because I know that he don’t want to be that way. He don’t want everyone to have to take care of him and things like that and it drives him crazy to not be able to get up and do things. I hope that if they can’t that he is still able to get around and do what he wants for as long as possible and that if he can’t it isn’t a long time.

I don’t know how I feel right now other than just numb. I feel myself shift to just get through it mode and not feeling anything. Me and my dad have always been so close I can’t stand seeing him going through this or going through it with him. The thought of maybe loosing him kills me. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. I was sitting here last night thinking about it and my kids my older 3 know him my older two will remember him my baby girl hasn’t had the chance to get to know him or remember him. My little man may remember him but I don’t know for how long. It just seems so unfair. Then I feel bad for bad for feeling that way. I look at my facebook page and see my friend and her kids who lost their dad a few years ago to cancer. I have had my dad for 34 years. They are just kids and lost theirs and growing up without him. At lest my older three have their dad. But who don’t think these things at a time like this?

I better get off here and get ready. It’s been a little bit since I called up there. I got to eat and get ready. I dread going up there, I dread the new news, seeing him there like this, knowing what he is going through, dread leaving him there when he is asking me to take him home, dread knowing he is there or he is there alone. I just want to go sit with him I could all day until they through me out but I have so much to do with the kids and things as well. I feel bad for not being there and spending as much time as I can with him. I feel myself trying to shut down and go back to just go through the motions get things done mode. But I can’t I can’t remove my self and just go through the motions and get it done this time. No matter how much I want to even.

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