So Hard Being

The bigger person right now. I see on Father of the Years post everyone telling him how great it is he found someone, how happy they are for him, he deserves love, and on and on it goes. Lot of them friends from the church that we got married in and my older two kids grew up in. The church that never once did anyone reach out to me or my kids when we split up and got divorced to say how are you or the kids but swarmed him and poor, poor him, and it will be okay it will get better blah blah.

I just want to make a post saying how this all went down, how much I helped her, how much food I bought her when she had none all the time, how I take her to the hospital when she was sick, sit with her at the hospital, visit her in the hospital, take her to places to get food, opened my home to her to let her move in with my and my children, was going to help her get her ssi, help her get the doctors and things she needed, give her a free place to stay. How knowing all this him and her went behind my back and had planed this for about 6 or 8 weeks that we know of now. How they been talking and planing this how they were together and knew they were going to do all this but let me make plans to go to school and work thinking that she was going to be here this Summer to help with the kids and things. How she came here and he been over here I feed the two of them and them knowing that I needed money for food for the house and that rent bills were coming up and he told me he was going to help take care of things and then they ran off and left just like that and gave me nothing he said he was going to. Left me in a jam of not having a sitter again to work, not being able to go to school because I had to work to pay for school, not having the money to put food in the house without taking from money for bills. How he has cut off all contact with the kids and I, that if something happen to one of them right now I could not get a hold of him to tell him that anything was wrong or that they needed anything. How he had over a grand in his pocket when they left knew the kids needed things, knew that I had spent my money all the months he didn’t pay me to make up the slack on his side. Don’t care and left them like that anyway. How between what he had last week and this week he should have about two grand or more and still has not paid his support for the week much less any of the back support. He is not on my page so he would not see it but we have a lot of the same friends and I could tag the kids in it and he would see it on their page and a lot of these that are talking about how happy they are for him could see it. I could use my oldest page and just put it on there and tag him in it but I figure he would then block her I don’t want him to do that.

Then I think about how that would look? But at the same time he does all this and acts like Mr. Wonderful and Father of the Year and everyone falls for it. He is nothing but a scumbag lowlife mother fucker. Who leaves his kids to just get by and don’t care. How he has let his kids he cares so much about be homeless two times almost three now, how he never would pay the bills until they were off or going off. How he don’t see them or do anything with them, if they need something or want something it is to much to ask him for. How it is to much to even ask him to take a day and spend at school with them and help out. How he started screaming at me he wasn’t on drugs and using drugs when I have never said anything to him about drugs or being on drugs. How he feels its okay to rape someone if you are with them, how he feels that what he wants is all that matters. What anyone else wants or needs don’t matter. I just want to spill it all and put it out there for everyone to know and see once and for all. How all the dirty shit he does and has done I have said nothing about to most, how why everyone sits back and looks at me as the bitch and the one that causes all the problems and I have taken all these years no this is why things are the way they are and have been, no this is what he is doing now and how it came about and how he is still doing his kids, this is why I treat him the way I treat him, this is why I say the things I do to him, this is why I don’t care anything about him, this is why it don’t bother me one bit to say or do or treat him any what way, this is why i could careless if i got a call right now saying he dropped dead. Because he is nothing and does nothing but make life harder for his kids and me the one taking care of them and doing it all. The one who every time I start to get ahead and get in a better position for them and me he does something to knock us back down he cares about them so much.

It has taken everything in me to not just write it up and put it out there for him and all his friends and family to see. But I keep saying be the bigger person and don’t stoop to their level, don’t let them drag you down. But it is getting harder and harder, I keep thinking fuck the bigger person, fuck stooping to their level, it isn’t stooping to their level when it is the truth and it’s letting everyone know the truth and what is really going on not letting everyone be snowed. Fuck what anyone thinks, just do it and get it out there and let it go. Who cares have your say if they were standing there you would and wouldn’t care who was around to hear. You never do shit like that so you do once what is it going to hurt? I am really starting to think I may do it. I keep trying to talk myself out of it tell myself I am better than that, I am above that, I know the truth it is all that matters but it isn’t working.