{January 19, 2019}   Don’t Know How To Help

So the other day I was haven a hard time with Little Bitty and I was talking to sleeping Beauty and said something about it. I was so mad with her and ready to come unglued.

He said to tell her he was coming over. I laughed said no. He asked why? I said she is having a hard time with things but she has to stop. He asked what was wrong?

I told him how she is wanting me to get ahold of her dad for her and she wants to get to know him and things.

We both had to go and didn’t really talk about it. Then later I talk to him and it came up. We were talking I went to say something and I was trying to figure out what I was trying to say. Because we were talking about helping her or how she feels.

I am at a loss for what to do or how to help her how to explain any of it to her. Really what do I say because I have told her I can’t get him that is it. I can’t say anything else because I don’t know. I was trying to figure out how to deal with her feelings how to help her with that. How she must feel. This is one area I have no idea where to start it hit me that………..

I don’t know how to help her, what to do for her. I can’t imagine what it is like or how she feels. When I was younger my dad wasn’t always around, but I knew him and knew he was there and that he loved me. We had a relationship such as it was.

Here we are days later and I still don’t know what to say or how to help her or know how she is feeling. Or any of my other kids for that matter. I think this is what I am still having the biggest problem with and so mad about with both of them. Not the money, not struggling all the time, not having to work all the hours I work or the jobs I have to do or have done. What I am mad about the most and yes a little bitter about and extremely pissed off about is the way they have just stepped out and aren’t being dads and don’t care and don’t think about the impact it is having on their children. I am mad because I can’t fix it or make it better or help them because I don’t know how, there is no way to, I am pissed off because my dad is gone and was taken way to soon and that they do not at least have him to help fill in. That I don’t still have him.

But mostly over the deadbeats that careless about their kids. I have moved on gotten over and through I guess you can say what they have done to me. But I can’t get past or over how they have done or are doing the kids. Or the fact that I can’t fix it. I do not know if I will ever get over it or come to a place with it where it don’t bother me or that I can live with it and deal with it without getting mad or wanting to rage. Because if I am honest thinking about it or talking about it puts me in a rage. I get so mad dealing with Little Bitty so very angry I have to just bite my tongue and hold back because I don’t want to take it out on her. Because she is little and dealing with a lot and a lot of feelings that she has no idea what to do with or how to handle or express. I am not mad at her as much as I am at her dad for doing her this way.

I am at work guess I should get off here and try to find something to do. I have to charge this phone again. I just took it off charge at 7 something it was at 100 after charging all night. Now it is 10 and it is 70 I have hardly been on it.

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