{January 29, 2019}   Why Not Starfish

While writing my other post it made me think of something else. It made me think of Starfish and his comments and things about wanting to hook up. I just refuse and tell him no. I tell him I want more he knows I want more and that I am not looking to just hook up. Comments have been made about having a friend and things. But I don’t want that.

One I am not looking to be “friends” with everyone that comes along that kind of defeats the reason of having a friend, don’t it? When me and my “friend” started doing this I was interested in something more if it went there at the time but also open to just whatever. I was just getting away from Father of the Year and wasn’t sure what or who I wanted to be with if anyone. I just wanted someone to talk to, do things with so when he wasn’t looking for anything more that was okay. I had a lot to deal with and work out and things just coming out of a relationship.

When I went to see my old friend when he wanted to go out I was interested in him but really wasn’t sure how I felt about him all together I didn’t know him that well like I did my Friend. But was open to dating getting to know him and seeing where it went. Just not in the way things ended up I guess. But it did and I never really expected them to end up like this but they did. I do like him but I still don’t know if I see us being more than what we are now. I am still not sure about that or how I feel about that.

Then there was Mr. To Broken that I knew from the first time I seen him and the one time we went out that it would never be anything at all other than a friends and nothing more than friends. No kind of relationship at all there.

There have been others that I have talked to or who have talked to me and wanted to go out. I didn’t go or just knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere or it didn’t.

With Starfish it was different, with him I had seen him and he seemed alright but I never thought of him in anyway friend, more or anything else. He was just one of the guys at work. I hadn’t talk to him or been around him to see what he was like. Like the one guy there his old roommate I knew I didn’t like the first time or two of talking to him. He was just one of those people that you know as soon as you talk to them the less you have to be around them deal with them or interact with them the better. You just smile and deal with them because of where you are, kind of things.

With Starfish I hadn’t seen or been around him talked to him to even know that much about him. He was just the keep to himself quiet guy. He say hi or what if he came in or I was out there for something or came up but that was it. He didn’t go out of his way to make conversation or loud or just talking to be talking and talking shit just to hear himself talk like some of them or a lot of them out there. Thinking they are funny or what. Don’t get me wrong they weren’t rude or anything they just a bunch of guys and like to joke around and have a good time and include everyone and they just treated me like one of them, so they would say things or joke around and things when I came up or was out there or they came in for something. But that just wasn’t him or how he was that was fine.

I don’t know how we even really got started talking. I think Bff said something about him asking about me or something and me her and him talked out there or something. I would have to look back and read my post to see honestly and that is probably sad but hey. However it happen we started talking and it’s just went from there. When I started talking to him I wasn’t sure about him because I looked him up and things. I hadn’t been around him and talked to him enough to get a idea of what he was like or anything about him still. I wasn’t really interested in more from what I seen when I looked him up but figured I would get to know him. It never really went further than us talking and hanging out here and there. But after I got to know him and we talked he seemed to be alright and things made a little more since once I got to know his past and things. He wasn’t like the rest we had conversations and things he wasn’t trying to just hook up or what. We never talked about anything like that or dating. We just talked and hung out I helped him out and things. But as we talked, hung out we got to really know each other and it just went from there.

Since he has made the comments he has and about more but we all know where that has ended up. But he has made the comments about hooking up too and like I said I don’t even think twice I just like no, nope, not what I am looking for. I thought what makes him different? What makes him different than my “friend” or my Old Friend? Other than I just don’t want to be with anyone else and the one wasn’t supposed to happen. Why is it so easy for me to do what I did with them but then so easy for me to turn him down when I feel the way I do about him but didn’t have the feelings for the others like I do him and I did what I did?

Writing my other post yesterday it hit me. With the others even though at one point and time I would have considered more with them we talked about it upfront and I knew that was not where it was going with them. I decided to go ahead with it and just disconnected or took the feeling and things out of it. But once I do it is impossible it seems to go back the other way. Like with my “friend” who in the be gaining didn’t want anything and now does I just don’t feel the same way as I did then. I went in with one mine set and got okay with that. My old friend, I am leaning more toward I don’t know if it would go anywhere if if wanted it to try or not. With him I went into it not sure and then we talked and it was a see where it goes if it turns into something it does if it don’t it don’t. It was already kind of the mind set I had since I wasn’t sure about it anyway just on a different level than I was considering.

What is different about Starfish is I do have feelings for him, I do care about him, would like more with him and don’t want to jump into sex with him even if we are together. I know that if we decided to just hook up or hang out and just hook up it would not be like the others. Because the feelings are there I do want more. Even though I could go into a strictly friends or see where it goes relationship with him and be okay, I don’t want to because once I do that I will disconnect and take feelings and things out of it and stop looking at the relationship we have the same way and if he decided he wanted more or what I wouldn’t. Then what I blew it, I messed up something that I wanted and waited so long for. All because I decided to forget feelings and just hook up. If I decided to take feeling out of the picture and then couldn’t get them back or what. Or what if I took them out but couldn’t keep them out and that is all he really wanted and he never did want more? That could happen too and then how would I feel? I don’t know if I could cope with that. I couldn’t cope when me and RC broke up because I was still in it had feelings and things and he ended it. I don’t want to get in another relationship and it end like that or end with just hooking up if it is someone that I really have feelings for.

With the others too I was interested in them but I didn’t have feelings for them. Even with my “friend” I had feelings for him a while back but it wasn’t the same as what I feel for Starfish and it was more of a he was “safe” in a way because we have been doing this for so long vs. feelings and wanting to have more with him. Because I knew we want different things.

With Starfish we have taken the time to get to know each other on a different level than me or either one of the others have and are looking for a lot of the same things and dealing with some of the same things in different ways. We both bring things to the table to help each other out because we know and have been there and are willing to be there and help each other out and work together with the things that we haven’t been through or don’t know about.

I better get off here I am at work and have two or three days to get booked out and taken care of. I been on here way to long. But wanted to get this post written. Clear my head and get some things out. But it has just brought up more. Maybe I will get to write some tonight or later today.

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