Why Bother?

I am slipping into that why bother mood where I just don’t want to do anything. This is different than where I was a few months ago, a few months ago I couldn’t function even though I wanted to and tried. All I could do was sleep no matter how much I had already slept and if I tried to get up and do something I felt like I was about to pass out.

Right now I am at the point that I know all the shit that is happening is temporary and I have to just keep pushing through. But right now I am pissed off and don’t really want to. I feel like no matter how hard I fight to get ahead and ho w far ahead I get 20 more things are falling in on me and knocking me back down. I am in one of them spots where I feel like I am never going to get ahead, nothing is going to ever change and no matter how hard I try I am going to be sitting right here doing the same old shit just another day while life passes me by, like it has for the last 10 years. I feel like I am never going to be able to have things I want that I will always just be surviving day to day, week to week, year to year until one day I just don’t wake up. I feel like I can’t provide the most basic things we want, that we can’t have a nice house or ever be able to just fix the truck if it something happens. I am just so done with life right now it isn’t even funny.

I say a nice house I am not even really talking about the house it’s self. I am happy with the house we have, it could be more functional but it works for us and at a good price. I am talking more on the inside I want things to be nice. We have been here three years it needs painted, but I don’t have the money to do it, it could use some curtains, area rugs, maybe a few pictures for the walls. You know the things that make it a home. We have lived here three years and have a house not really a home. I bought two rugs last month one was marked down to $45 I didn’t feel so bad about spending that. The other I ended up spending $90 on. Now I feel I shouldn’t have done it. But they are for the living room so that the kids can sit on the floor and play or lay there and watch tv. They like to sit on the floor and do most the time but we have tile all through the house it is cold, hard and never seems clean. I got two so they would cover most the floor in the living room I figured it would cut down on mopping, gives them somewhere to sit and play and makes the living room look nice as well. Before that it was just the couch and tv nothing on the walls or the floor. It makes it a little nicer and inviting, it don’t echo and feel as cold.

The dinning room and kitchen is done pretty good because I already had a lot of stuff for them from where I had picked stuff up here and there that I liked for a while to put in there that I had not used. I would pick up little things at thrift stores and yard sales for a few dollars and had put it away. But the cabinets need painted they are just old and the paint is dirty and coming off. They painted the house with flat paint and it wipes off instead of what you are trying to wipe off. Little Bitty has drew on so many of the walls it isn’t even funny. I never had a kid like her who would find anything and everything and write on the walls with it. I think I have everything up she has nothing and turn around and she is at it again. I have cleaned what I an off but the paint comes off, I don’t know what looks worse the drawling on the wall or where the paint comes off. I want to get a can to just touch up those spots but then I don’t know how it will look. I could paint most this house in a weekend rolling it all out making it look nice if I had the money for the paint and he would take the kids like he is supposed to. I have done a lot of house painting over the years.

The kids bedrooms are pretty okay they have all their new furniture and have hung up the things like like and made them their own. The back room I am not sure what I want to do back there. It has all our books and things back there right now I have thought about moving stuff around to put their toys in the other half but I don’t know if there is really room to do that. I still have to get that bed and living room set out of there before I can do anything.

So no I am not saying I need a bigger, nicer house or anything like that I just want to be able to make the one I have a home without feeling guilty about it or being short money somewhere else because I did. Then with the truck needing more work than just putting the light and bumper on I don’t know what I am going to do with it. I have to fix it and keep driving it I don’t have money to get another one and now I can’t send it through auction because it has all these other problems that have popped up. It isn’t that it’s the truck it’s all normal wear and tear things you have to fix once you put so many miles on a car. I should have money to fix it but I don’t because of picking up the slack from the other two who are not doing their parts. The kids are asking to go places and want to do things and get out of the house and I do as well. I hate sitting in the house all the time and not doing nothing but daily stuff we have to do. But I don’t even have money to say hey lets go to the movies. The air show is this weekend they were watching the plans practice when we were at the doctors. I pulled it up to see what it would cost to maybe go the show. It would cost me $70 if they didn’t charge me adult price for my 11 year old who looks older and that isn’t a drink, something to eat or anything else. It would end up costing me $150 to $200 easy by the time we got a drink something to eat and things. They wanted to see what it would cost to see the blue man group. It was $210 for us to get it to that, then we have tolls and gas and again food and things. My oldest wants to go to a big weekend concert for her birthday it would be $400 for two tickets for three days. All of these are not bad deals at all really if you think about it and are things that would be fun to go to as a family or just a few of us, but I don’t have the money to do it and it pisses me off. Because I am doing what I need to do and what I have to do to take care of my family and to be able to do things for them but others do not care and are not doing their part then they do not get to do things they would like to do and we sit in the house all the time. Then I am mad at myself for not doing better the last 15 years or so when me and father of the year was together and when me and RC were together. But when me and father of the year were together we had a ruff patch but then we had things worked out and we were doing pretty good. I could have went to school then but I was happy doing what I was doing and taking care of my family. We were doing ok so I didn’t need to. When me and RC were together I was going to go to school but put it on hold for a little bit to get us settled and on a routine so that everything wouldn’t be so crazy trying to move and all that. Then when everything happen there I was just trying to survive and get me and the kids out of a really bad situation I wasn’t allowed to work or go to school or anything really.

Now I am where I can do what I need and want to do and all I can still do is survive and I am to the point I just want to say fuck it whats the point. I am trying to get ahead and I do just to get knocked back down and still not be able to take care of the things I need to take care of much less do anything with the kids or for myself that I want to do. We can’t even make our house feel like a home or fix our car so that we aren’t walking or having to check it and do stuff to it every time we stop. I think maybe I should just quit school and get a job but if I do I will be lucky to make $8.15 an hour and get 30 hours. I will have less than I do now. I have been looking for a part time job but can’t find anything because I have to say I can only work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 930 to 230. No one wants to hire someone that is so set on hours. I can work nights and have my friend sit with them but then that isn’t very good because I have to pick her up, drop her off, pay her and everything so then there goes a big chunk of my money and time to make even less in the end. I have thought about placing an add on line to run errand for people but now with my truck messing up I can’t do that until I get it straighten out. I am ordering a scale to start selling on Ebay but I know that is only going to bring in a little extra money a month not what I need. I need to make a grand a month to make up for what Father of the Year isn’t paying and the extra my bills have gone up.

Right now I just want to throw in the towel say fuck it, but at the same time I want to figure this out and make it work because I know I have to I am the only one that is going to do it, I am the only one going to take care of my kids. That if I don’t do it where are the kids going to be because we all know their dad can’t and won’t do it. Lately I have had the thought of just let the older three go live with their dad however that maybe or turn out and take the little one since she isn’t his and just go figure out what to do for me and her. It would be easier to take care of the two of us vs the 5 of us. The thought keeps coming up but then I’m like I can’t do that and how could I just toss the kids out there to go though that. But then I think but it would make Father of the Year get off his ass and see how it is and how things are and just maybe he would man up. But we all know that isn’t going to happen, the kids would just be misreable. I think if I just done it long enough to get me and Little Bitty out of here and set up somewhere else then come back and get the others. That way I have time to get set up and they won’t miss school or anything like that. I would love to and if he wasn’t staying where he is I would probably consider it even more than I am now but it hasn’t been 100% done away with either. I have thought about just telling him to come here and stay with the kids pay the bills and do what he has to do while I take my money and start over somewhere else.

I just feel like I need out of here away from here I feel stuck and held down here. I don’t know why I just do. I feel like I can’t do anything without everyone causing problems or saying something and being so negative over everything when I am doing the best I can on my own with no help from them. They all have something to say but none help in anyway even though they are family and I have helped them plenty. Then to have Father of the Year stand up and say shit when he does nothing. I hate feeling like I am under a microscope and having everything I do picked apart and never having anything good said about anything. Then I go back to the whats the fucking point if it is never good enough for anyone. I am not looking for anyone to pat me on the back and tell me how great of a job I am doing or anything like that. But I also do not need everyone sitting around pointing out all that I am doing wrong or they feel I am doing wrong because it isn’t what they would do or how they want you to do it. I just want to be left alone to live my life and take care of my kids. I do not need a pat on the back I do not need a gold start or anything but I do not need the negative shit from everyone. Because no matter how much you know you are doing a fine job and it is them with the problem because you are not living your life to their specs it gets to you after a while and when everything starts hitting the fan and your having a ruff time it really gets to you. All of it together makes it very hard to do or want to do even the simplest of things. I should be working on my school stuff and going through this house and cleaning it out but I do not feel like it. I just want to lay here play on line take a nap and forget everything until it is time to feed the kids and get them ready for bed. I really don’t want to do that but if I don’t who will, so I get up and do it. The kids are building a cabin out of craft sticks, playing air hockey and watching tv. They are happy and entertained for a few minutes at least.

You know it’s odd I don’t even really feel depressed or hopeless just more of a why bother who cares just let it all be and work it’s self out I am done trying. I don’t feel down like a I do a lot of times. Just oh well who cares, if it gets done it gets done if it don’t it just don’t who cares.