Single___Parent___Life











{January 10, 2014}   Generational Curses and Bondage

I grew up in church from the time I was little. My mom or step dad use to take us and drop us off every Sunday and Wednesday. They even came with us once in a while. As I got into the youth group I stopped going. They always were doing stuff as a group parties outings camp and things and I was never allowed to go. I had a few friends but not many because most the kids knew each other outside of church or got to know each other out the events they did. I was kind of the outsider never really felt I fit in. After I got out of school and things I wanted to go back so I started looking for places to go and found that most churches in my area didn’t have groups for people my age. Not that they didn’t want to have them but they just didn’t have enough people that age coming. Most had either went a way to school or just didn’t come.

So I would go here and there once in a while. Then I started going with my moms friend when I didn’t have to work he would pick me up and I would go to his church. It was pretty big but not bad. I liked it but would like to find something smaller but it would do for not since I didn’t have a car and no where else to go. Not long after I started going I met my future husband and found out that he went there sometimes and his grandma still did. He went to church and things to but him and his friends had been trying some different ones out and looking for somewhere else to to go. They felt it was to big as well. The one had a show at a Christian radio station here in town and we would hang out there with her on Friday nights. After the show a lot of nights we would hang out and have our own little bible study until up into the night.

When we got together and I helped him get a job his bosses daughter told us about the little church she had been going to with her girls. We tried it liked it and that is where we have been since for the last 10 years off and on. We got married there and everything. We went all the time for years. Then when things started getting bad between me and him I stopped going so much. It just got to be do much to get up and get all the kids ready and take them and deal with all of them there after doing everything and going every where we had to go during the week and taking them with me. I had them pretty much 24/7 alone and had stuff to do with the kids every day but one. I couldn’t just take the one that had some where to go I had to take all 3 of them and keep the other two entertained why helping with whatever was going on for the one that was supposed to be there. By the time Saturday and Sunday rolled around I was dead to the world and didn’t want to move off the couch or get dressed. Much less drag them out to one more place. But I would we didn’t make it every Sunday but probably every other or so and Wednesday nights most the time.

Then it got to where every time I went I would have the ladies in the church coming up and telling me they were praying for me and my family. Randomly they would tell me that they didn’t know what I was going through but they had felt they needed to pray for us. Or they would say god told them to pray for us. A lot said they could tell something was wrong and that I looked to be at the end of my rope an like I needed help or someone to talk to. It was all I could do not to cry I would just smile and say thank you and that yeah we really could use them. Others I would just walk a way so they hopefully didn’t see the tears. I wanted tell them I wanted to talk to them I felt they cared and really meant well. But I was embarrassed I was hurt and upset I didn’t know what to think or do. I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t go to others with my problems. I worked them out figured them out on my own and if something needed done I found a way and got it done. I stopped going because I felt I was being dishonest and like I was lying to them. Because my other favorite things to say was we’er ok or I’m good just wore out from running with the kids. Not I’m so depressed I can’t stand it not i’m dying inside and hate life. I felt horrible because I had this big secret I was keeping from everyone. I don’t know why because my head told me they didn’t really care anyway they were just saying that stuff to be nice they didn’t want to be bothered with my problems and even if they did want to know or was there to talk to what could they do they couldn’t help me there wasn’t no help for me. This was my life this is how it is and this is how it was supposed to be. So I didn’t go back anymore for a long time after that.

Then me and father of the year went to talk to his grandma she asked us to come over when she found out we were getting a divorce. After that she brought this lady over to my house to talk to me. She had a group for women and I started going to it. I even started going to church with her and her family. I liked it but it was a little smaller than what I was looking for. I wanted something with a good childrens program. But I was going anyway. The kids had started going to church with their dad at his grandma’s church and they had a great program for them. I figured until I got things straight with me and found a good church it was better for them to go there. I don’t like to take them to a new church I don’t know a lot about. It worked out pretty good. In the womens group that I was going to we started talking about bondage and curses and things like that.

In the mean time I met Matt not long after I started going to my meetings and to church. The only time I really got to see him was on the weekends when the kids were with their dad and he was off work so I started going to his house and staying. It wasn’t supper far but a good little piece to go to church I had been going to or to my meetings. And with the way things were with me and father of the year still and then meeting someone I didn’t want to go there so I stopped going. He went but he had been going with his boys and in laws. I wasn’t going to go with his in laws for sure. But I told him I wanted us to find somewhere and start going. We did go to his once and to mine once but decided that we need to find something new. We went to one or two after that here and there. But he said he didn’t feel right about being there and us both still being married and then me being pregnant. I told him it was ok we didn’t have to tell anyone anything unless we wanted to and that we were working on getting all the stuff with out ex’s taken care of and that we didn’t have to be perfect to go. What mattered was that we were there and trying to turn things around and do things right and get our new family on the right track. That was right before everything happened and we didn’t really have a chance to go anywhere after that.

I started going again and taking the kids to the one they had grew up in the one we got married in again. But it just didn’t feel right and I stopped going again. My mom wants us to go to the one where I grew up but I really don’t care for that one. They have had so much happen and so much change and a lot of people have left. I really just want to get me and the kids a place and settled and find somewhere we can start going again.

But I also want to find somewhere that deals with and knows about Generational curses and bondage. I thought about it some when we were talking about it but I thought oh that don’t apply to me when I was going to my meetings. But with all that has happen in the last couple years I truly feel that there is something there. I don’t think it I can feel it. And when I look back at my life and my family I see a lot that no matter what or how hard I try I still seem to just fall right back and go through things that I know how to avid but just can’t. If I do I get tossed in on my ass and stopped into place like I had escaped and someone caught me and was angry about it.

I see me in my 30’s going through things that others went through in their teens and 20’s. That I thought I made it through I steered clear of that I don’t have that to worry about anymore because I got through that age. I did the things I was supposed to do and stayed out of trouble and a way from stuff I’m good. Then bam like a slap in the face here I am. I just don’t understand it. Something has to be there something has to be holding me back pulling me back and working against me. I have said a few times to my friends who have known me most my life What have I done in life that was so bad that me and my kids are going through the things we are now? Where did I mess up and go so wrong in life that my kids deserve to go through the things they have the last few years? Why am I going through the things I am? I am going to be doing some studying and research on this until I finally get some answers to these questions and then some. And hopefully figure out how to make things right again.

I try to think of big things that I did that were just so bad but hey maybe they weren’t big at all. Or it wasn’t big at all. Maybe it was the littlest tinniest thing I have done wrong that has made my life hell. It dose say no sin is bigger than any other they are all the same. I just don’t know. I really don’t do things. I just don’t know. And maybe I will never find answers this way and it has nothing to do with it I just have to wait and see what happens. If I don’t at least I learned something along the way right?



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