Shelter In Place

I drop the little kids off at school and ran oldest to the store before I headed out. I was going to run to the store to pick up lunch and stop to get my coffee of course. I wasn’t in a rush I had an hour and half before I had to be at work.

As I left I seen a sheriff car pass me and go toward the school. I thought it was a little odd because we are in city limits and it would be local police that would go. But I figured no big deal there could be any number of reasons it was going and went on. Not thinking anymore of it at that point.

I went picked up my coffee and headed to the store for lunch. I got my wrap made and picked up a half gallon of tea. I got to work a little early was thinking about eating a little of my lunch and getting my day started. I pulled in the guys were here getting ready to leave. I thought they would of been gone but they weren’t. One was on the bus the other was in the office. I opened up put things away and got ready for the day. I went to sit down and check the phone when I pulled my phone out of my pocket and notice I missed a text.

I read it and it said that the kids school had been put on a shelter in place but it was over and they were going on with normal day. They said there had been a threat made online against the school.That is great they checked things out but who is to say that nothing is going to happen later in the day or as the kids are getting out of school?

The one came out of the bathroom and said he was leaving. I said so am I, I have to go get my kids. He said what your leaving too? I said yes but just for a little bit. I will probably be about 10 minutes late. I told him what I got on my phone. He said he would call Pops and tell him to come in. I told him if he wanted but we should be okay. He said he was going to call him. We walked out and I locked up we all left.

He asked if I they were going to give them to me or I was going to be able to get them? I said I don’t know what they are going to do or say but I will be getting them. I got all the way home and to the school and noticed I walked out and left my purse at the office and of all days my drivers license. I remembered I had a picture of it on my phone. I hoped they would let me pick them up with that. They let me get a pass to eat with them and everything with it. I figured they were already going to give me a hard time about checking them out and then tell me because of it all I had to have it not a picture. But I got there and just told them I needed to check out this one and that one and they called them to the office pulled their paper and had me sign it. They never asked me for my license at all. I was not sure how I felt about that but when I told her and she was getting their papers she called them by last name and knew who they were. I think they know me as well since we have been there every day for the last two years.

I don’t know what to think. My first reaction was to go get them then I thought no everything will be fine. But then I thought about how scared my little one was and how much the drill upset her last year and I didn’t want her sitting there knowing they thought something was going to happen or was. I thought I know most nothing is going to happen but what if I don’t bring them home and it does happen? I would rather be safe than sorry.

The kids were all excited to see me and ran up to give me a hug. They were asking why I was picking them up. I asked them what they did so far today and they said school work and telling me what they done. I said did you have a drill or something like that. They said they sheltered in place but it was just a practice like all the other times. I told them no that it wasn’t just a drill that they had a threat something might happen at the school and I decided to bring them home for the day.

Mr. 8 said oh thank you mommy you are so good for worrying about us and trying to keep us safe. I am glad they weren’t worried or scared. But at the same time I think they should know in case something happened they would know what to do.

All To Offten

All the time when it comes to relationships.

Worried about My Friend

After everything that happen Thursday she is scared, really scared because they have not found the other three guys and we do not know who they are and if they are going to come back. We looked at who this guy is friends with and he knows some of the same people we know or know of but don’t talk to. We aren’t in a super small area but like I said before when you have been here forever everyone knows or knows of everyone. She don’t want to go outside, she isn’t sleeping thinking about it all the time. I have thought about it every since it happen too. I don’t know still what to think. Looking at better pictures of him I know of him and have talked to him somewhere before. I don’t know if it was at a store somewhere we were for something or what. I can’t figure it out. It is really bothering me that I can’t figure it out. I’m still not scared just more watchful with the kids and things. not sure how I feel about it all. Worried about her. I am surprised it is affecting her like this. I guess I am and I’m not. I mean it is normal but I figured she be like me more mad than anything.

I may have to talk to her and get her to go talk to someone. It didn’t help she went back to the police station yesterday after it happen to talk to them about some things and they treated us like we were stupid and were no help at all. I think I am going to have her come over here tomorrow and try to call the first officer that was here and ask him if he could come out and talk to us about a few things that we think they need to know. I think if he thinks there is something to it he will get it checked into. It is a different department at her house. I talked to my other friend my A Good Friend tonight asked him if he knew of him and talk him what happen. I know he is out and about and by my house a billion times a day and night with work. So he is going to be watching my house let me know if he see’s anything going on in my area or house if he see’s anything. He said if he see’s anyone at my house or cars he don’t know he is going to be calling me. I talk to the guy across from me and his wife so they can be watching as well. I told them because him and his wife sit on their porch all the time at night. I told them they better be careful and watch they may be targeted next if it was just random and we weren’t targeted for anything other than just being there.

He seems to think that we shouldn’t have called the police. He things that even though they didn’t get to shoot like they wanted to they probably would have figured they scared us and we wouldn’t say anything about anything to anyone or call the police. But now that we called the police and one is in jail they may get mad and come back. I don’t know I feel that they may come back as well because they are mad. I also feel that maybe since we did call the police then they know we aren’t going to be intimidated by them and we will call so we aren’t the ones to mess with. I like to think they will be scared to mess with us anymore but at the same time I have to think realistically and know that isn’t always how it goes.

I may have to talk her into talking someone else as well to try and help her some. I think I am going to see if she wants to come over for a while tomorrow. Maybe she will hang out and talk get her mind off things.

Seem’s to be Getting Worse

A while back I told you all I thought something was wrong in my post Don’t Know What is Wrong With Me. I still have not been to the doctor yet, the kids are all just getting back in school tomorrow and on a normal time frame instead of short days. I am really thinking that I need to call in the morning and get in to be seen as soon as I can. I know that the way things are is not right, I know that this in not normal for me and I know it is a lot worse than people think. I know they think it isn’t as bad as I am saying or laugh oh your getting old, forgetful or something like that. It isn’t that I am just forgetting things.

Like I said before I can sit here and read my class stuff two or three times before I know what I read. If I write something or type something I go back and read it to make sure it is right and half the time I have left out words all through it. I had to send an email to one my professors toward the end of my class about work I missed. There was no reason I should have missed it, the night it was due I went to do my work and turn it in. I knew I had not done it, but when I got to the class and looked it up all my work showed done. I was like no I didn’t do the work this week. I looked and looked at the date checked to see if there was something I needed to go back and fix or what, nothing. I said well that’s good I forgot I turned it in already I can have a break tonight watch the movie with the kids.

Later I am looking at grades when they are posted and it shows 0’s for two or three things I didn’t turn in that week. I looked and I had not done them, hadn’t even clicked in and looked at them. I had the wrongs weeks worked pulled up and even with looking at the dates didn’t see that I was on the wrong date. I should have known as soon as I looked at it that it was the wrong week. I went to email her and ask if I could still do them and turn them in even if she took credit off. I put the subject in and then typed my message and sent. Later I looked at it and had to read it for something. I was so shocked and embarrassed, it wasn’t even readable what I was trying to say or ask just about. I am truly not sure how she knew what I was saying or trying to ask her. I have never sent an email like that and not to a teacher for one of my classes.

The other night when cleaning I was looking on line to see when they were going to have the local kids sale. I thought I might take some stuff and try to sell it there if my yard sale didn’t work out. I looked and looked on line and found it and seen that it said it was that week and I missed it. It was the one that was farther away from me and I wanted information about the one that is closer to me as well. I decided to ask on my page on facebook. I ask if anyone knew when the Fall sale over close to me would be or if they had it already. I then said how I looked up and only see information for the one that was farther away from me and that I had missed it since they had it this week. I tagged a lady I know that works at them a lot of times and helps out. I even said to the kids and Father of the Year that I was upset I missed it because I wanted to list some things and I probably could have found some clothes for the kids. In a little bit the lady I tagged, tagged me in a post for the sale. The same one I had read 3 or 4 times and was upset over missing. I started to say to her it had already passed. Then I read it again and figured out that it had not pasted it is almost a month away. I read it wrong and was reading it as being this month. I read it over and over to start with because I was trying to figure out how I hadn’t heard anything about it and missed it.

I know on him sometimes things are missed spelled, left our or not perfect but this is way different and worse than that. Most times when I am on here it is the middle of the night and I am trying to get things off my mind so I can sleep. Then I start to fall a sleep in the middle of some of them and wake up and try to pick up where I left off. But it is different than that kind of thing.

Just like not liking my planer for school because it is different I can’t even tell you what is different but I just remember it being different. I am all the time trying to say one work and another comes out, tonight I was stuttering when me and my oldest went to the store. I have never stuttered in my life. I could not get what I wanted to say out I kept stuttering and trying to find the words I wanted to use.

Now I am scarred I don’t know why it happen or it happen just now when it did, because the thought has never crossed my mind before. But I was just sitting here thinking about it and thinking I really want to go to the doctor about it and things. All of a sudden this chill came over me and the thought it sounds like brain cancer went through my mind. Never ever once since this started happening did I think it was something like that. I just thought it was from the accident. I don’t know why I want to go to the doctor but I just have this overwhelming feeling that I need to go to the doctor about it right away lately. Even though I really don’t think it is anything that anything can be done about, I have just felt I needed to go and talk to them about it find out what was damaged or what when we were in the accident and if that would be why I am this way. I never thought I would find out it could be something worse. Now I want to go but I don’t want to go. I don’t know what to do or think. It brings up a lot of thoughts and questions and decisions and thoughts of how it would affect me and the kids and everything. The question of do I really want to know now or do I just want o forget about it and keep moving forward.

I feel kind of sick or ill. The thought about my post Moody and Shifting just popped in my head and that maybe that is why I feel such a big change is happening or going to happen. Because if they said I had something like that it would change a lot of things and a lot of people would be affected and it would be really bad for my kids.

Why did I have to have that thought and think of my post along with all the rest of my thoughts? I wasn’t even going to write this post and couldn’t decided if I had or hadn’t all ready. Then I found my other and still felt I needed to write something and wrote this one. I was going to write it when I sat down the write the first one I posted and wrote something else. Then I decided to do it the second time and didn’t. I was going to bed after the second one and just couldn’t I had to write more and now this is what I get from it all. I just don’t know what to think.

 

At a Lost For Words

The last few days have been unproductive because I have been in so much pain and not feeling good at all. Let me start by saying the last 6 months or more I have had a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, mostly if I bend over sit to long and get up or if one of the kids hug me to hard or lean on me. It will double me over at times when touched. I have next to no insurance and have a horrible time finding a doctor that takes it and if I do I have to wait for 3 or 4 hours to be seen even with an appointment so I just don’t go.

On Sunday evening I went to drop the rent check in the drop box at the office so they would have it when they opened Monday. I got half way there and got so sick and was in so much pain I didn’t even know if I was going to make it home. I felt like I was going to be sick and the pain was as bad or worse than lobar pain. I finally made it home, the sick feeling eased off but the pain was still there. I was able to lay down and sleep so that is what I did. I could have father of the year sit with the kids but had no one to drive me to the hospital I didn’t want to drag the kids in and out to take me pick me up.

Last night I still didn’t feel good and the pain would easy up then get bad again so I had him sit with the kids and took myself. Of course when I got in there they thought it was my appendix so they wanted to do a scan and all that. They gave me this huge cup of stuff to drink to make everything show up better then injected other stuff into my IV and did about 8 scans in the cat scan machine.

They came back and said it wasn’t my appendix at all it looked great. I was happy but not ready for what she told me next. She said they found a tumor in my uterus. She said you can get cyst and fibroids but this is’t like that it is a tumor. But only about 1% end up being cancer or turning into cancer. But you need to follow up for more testing to make sure. But then when I left they put on my paper work that it was a fibroid so I have no idea what is in my uterus.

Then she said your bladder’s outer walls are thickening. She wouldn’t go into much detail and kind of just said it was like that and went on. Where with the uterus she talked about how it wasn’t to much of a risk of cancer and things. Looking it up it don’t look like its good at all.

She did say I have a UTI but when they did my blood count and all that it all showed great and no bad infection. She said she didn’t think I have had it very long and din’t seem to think it was from that.

Now I don’t know what to think since the told me one thing and put something else on the paper about the uterus. I’m worried about all of it seeing as my family has a history of cancer. My grandpa had it all over his body and in his bones when he past. Then with my dad finding out it spreading so quick and him passing so fast. I have to find doctors to see me and hope they can get me in right away because of the way my medical coverage is. I am really just at a loss for words right now.

Down Ward Spiral

I will say I just feel like I am falling into a down ward spiral into something that isn’t going to be good. All that has been going on with my dad is really working on me and taking its toll. I was sitting here today thinking about things. I have done things and thought about doing things the last week or so that I wouldn’t normally do. I was thinking about it today and how I feel like I am slowly becoming disconnected, detached and just not feeling anything or caring.

Just like drinking the other night, going to see my friend knowing I should have never went there. I been wanting to drink again since the other night. I been wanting to smoke lately even. I don’t smoke. I hate smoking, once in a while I will smoke one or two when I drank. The last time I smoked was almost two years ago when I went out with my friends on the gambling boat for a birthday. I had one or two out there when I drank. I think I have only ever smoked other than that one time when I wasn’t. That was when I had worked 20 some days straight and was stressed out. I smoked about half a back in a week. Wow I know but that’s what I mean I don’t smoke. I probably would have drank then but smoking was cheaper and easier to hide. The other night when I was thinking about it I wasn’t drinking hadn’t thought about it but I wanted to smoke. I even said to my friend J I didn’t. She said smoke what? Because she knows I don’t.

I told my friend the other night this is really hard but it isn’t the hardest thing I have had to do or deal with in life but it comes close. But then thinking about it isn’t that it is or isn’t the hardest thing. It is a different hard than what I had to deal with before. Both are as hard just in different ways. One is going to play out over years and turn out good I hope and assume. The other is going to play out of the course of the next few weeks/months and end in the loss of the one person that I am the closest to other than my kids. There is no good to be found in that. Dealing with the loss is what I can’t get past. Dealing with my dad here and now and seeing him in this shape day after day, knowing how bad he feels, how much he hates having to depend on everyone to take care of him and do for him. When he has always been so strong independent and stubborn at times. The fact that I can’t do things with him can’t take him to do things just kills me. To know the last little bit of time he has left is spent laying there in a room looking at 4 walls and the tv all day. Everyone just popping in to see if he needs something or wants something how he is doing here and there.

It is truly killing me to go through this with him because I love him so much and I can’t change anything for him. He can’t just live as normal as possible until its over. To even think about it being over. You know when people are out and have no idea really what is going on and not waking up or responding and in pain then you hope that they go quite and in their sleep so that they are not suffering any more.

I think that is part of what is so hard for me is that my dad is alert and awake, he knows what is going on what he wants how he wants things, wants to spend time with the kids and me and things. But he is just there he can’t really talk he can’t get up and do anything go anywhere. He just lays there holds your hand and will try to say a little something here and there but that’s it. He can’t do anything else. It’s like how is this right he knows so much and could still do so much but he can’t because he is just so weak. Not only can he not do anything but he is so alert and knows all that is going on how things are changing and just waiting to see what happens next or what is going to happen next. How bad it is going to get. At least when they are out and not responding or waking up they really don’t know what is going on and things. Well we think anyway we may never know. But we assume they are just a sleep and just go and don’t know what all is going on or what.

I guess I’m a little scared because I feel I’m going to get a lot worse before I get better and that it is going to be a long hard battle to recover from. I am trying to fight it but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle or that I am going to just sustain and be ok until it’s done and that is when the real fight and battle and things are going to hit. When everything is going to come crashing down on top of me like a ton of bricks.

I have no clue how much insurace my dad has. He is saying $20,000 or so why my brother says $10,000. If there is only $10,000 I don’t figure there will be much left once we take care of the cremation. That is fine that is what the money is for. He says he wants us to have some to do something with once he is taken care of so we can maybe make things a little better for us and our families. I have been thinking a lot lately. If it is around $20,000 that I would like to just take it do what needs to be done for my dad. Sit aside a chunk to take my dad to GA and have him buried on my grandma’s grave. Take what is left find me a place to live and stay right there in GA and start over for me and the kids.

I feel that once my dad goes I really have no reason at all to stay here where I am. I have this over whelming feeling that once everything happens he has been taken care of whatever we do with his ashes be it take them up there and do that or keep them that I need to get out of here anyway I can as fast as I can. Because I feel if I don’t I am going to have that battle. I feel I just need to get out and a way from it all as far as I can. To avoid the down ward slide I feel I am on. I feel that we have been through so much negative here and loss so much and just have nothing left here that we just need to get a way from it all.

I hate to even think oh if we get anything this is what I want to do with it. But I keep thinking about a talk me and him not to long before he got sick and one we had after. He was telling me then we were talking that he had it set up to leave us a little bit. He said it isn’t a lot but it was what I could do. He said wanted us to be able to use it to get a nice place guess to buy again or help with things so we wouldn’t have to struggle so much even if it was for just a little while. He said it to me a few times. When I was talking about getting a place with some land and having horses and things. He said it to me. I want to do therapy for kids with the horses. I would love to take it and start something like that in his memory. We would be better off and not struggle as much because somewhere the cost of living is cheaper and we can do more with our money.

I just don’t know I am fighting it but only time will tell how things are going to turn out. There is this church I have been looking at I want to try. I have felt I needed to get back into church again too. I keep putting it off and haven’t in years. I think I may go try it tomorrow or Sunday. That might help some as well to get through everything.

It’s Not Normal

Don’t know what to do with my oldest son. I feel bad for him he is my one with aspergers. He is really very smart and will talk to you about things that you wouldn’t think most 9 year old’s would know about. The things he says and talks about blows his therapist a way. He is so very sweet, loving, and caring.

But if something happens and he stubs his toe or he bleeds a little bit from something he freaks out. He thinks he is going to lose all his blood and die. Every time I tell him he isn’t and remind him that the last time he bleed a little bit he didn’t die it scabbed up and stopped bleeding and he is here and fine. He still just cries and gets upset thinking he is going to die.

When he loses a tooth I just pray it falls out before he notices it’s lose because if not and it starts to bleed he is in full panic and melt down. The best teeth so far he has lost are the ones he swallowed and never noticed lose. He is 9 he has been losing teeth since he was 4. Still it is lose something is wrong with him. It bleeds something is horrible wrong he is going to lose all his blood.

I know he can’t help it and that it is the aspergers that causes him to be that way. It’s just so frustrating because he is so worried and upset and there is nothing I can do to help him feel better or understand even though we been through it.

Tonight brought on a whole new upset melt down and scared something is wrong. He can’t go to the bathroom. I asked him the other week if he was having trouble going he said no. I figured he is just a boy and he is getting to that age. He is just going to take forever in the bathroom. Tonight he comes out all freaked out and upset he can’t go. I have some stuff here for the little kids because my little guy has some problems and my little bitty just went through a time where she wasn’t able to go. I looked up to see how much he could have and gave it to him. I told him he probably still wouldn’t go until sometime tomorrow. He has been back to the bathroom twice trying to force himself to go. I keep telling him he can’t do that he needs to just not worry about it and go.

I asked him when the last time he went was he says he don’t know. But he says that his stomach don’t hurt and that he don’t feel like he has to go. I told him not to worry about it sometimes you don’t go everyday and to just go to bed and we could get some fruit tomorrow and give him some more meds if he needed them. He is still all worried but he didn’t go, I guess he goes everyday and he is just upset and worried because he didn’t today. I finally got him to calm down for now and go lay down. I will give him a glass of hot water if he gets up again. If he still hasn’t went by Friday I will take him to the doctor so maybe she can maybe tell him something and make him feel better. I wanted to say they have these things you can get called suppositories you can get that will make you go if you really can’t but this is what you have to do with them. But I didn’t. I figured maybe it would make him decide that maybe not going for just a day was ok and what we were trying was better than that. But then I figured knowing him he would want to go get them. I am not going there tonight.

I just wish there was some way to make him see that you don’t have something horrible wrong or something horrible isn’t going to happen just because something little happens. That it is normal. He thinks it is not normal at all. If someone else bleeds or gets hurt he don’t want to hear about it or talk about it either. But he don’t get all upset about it if it isn’t him.

I thought as he got older it would get better but it hasn’t. It’s odd because they had to draw blood a while back two different times and he sat right there and let them do it. The firs time he started to get upset and things but we talked to him the tech did and he was ok. the next time he sat there chatted a way with them and never flinched. But he see’s a drop of blood at home and he freaks.

Definitely Not A Boring Day

Got up early with my baby boy and we just hung out around the house. We played and had breakfast tried to watch tv but it was all messed up. Late when I went to get lunch I open the freezer to get something out and see it is glowing red and I hear something sounds like water hitting a fire in the back at the bottom  I don’t know why reach back there and it is very hot odd to be on the freezer side and inside the freezer. I tried to call the ex to see if he was on his way home and couldn’t get him. Thinking it is on fire I tried moving it out to see behind it and to unplug it. But it is a big side by side and sits between the cabinet and stove. I got it out enough to see it wasn’t on fire behind it but not unplug it. I finally decided to call the fire department. I called the non emergency  line. I wasn’t really worried about it flaming up or anything to fast. But figured it would end up burning more of the fridge until it had spread to the outside. The fire department is only like two blocks a way. She said I called the wrong office to hang up and call 911 anyway. I called and the lady of course told me to get everyone out of the house. I got me and baby boy out the dog wouldn’t come. I told her we were all out I was going to get the dog. She told me not to go back in just to call him or leave him. I really still wasn’t to worried about it just wanted to get it out and needed help to get it unplugged. The dog finally came out when I called him she said to stay a way from the house. We went and sat at the end of the drive way until they came up. They had to go around back and look threw the glass door to make sure it hadn’t caught fire and all over. Then they went in and looked at it. They had me come back in and show them where it was red and everything. By then it wasn’t red or hot anymore and they are looking at me like I’m crazy. They already had to fire extinguisher and the ax out. They were going to cut it up to get it out since it was between the walls in it. They had a thing to check for heat and things they checked it from inside and outside and it didn’t show any heat at all. Was just like a normal fridge. They are looking at me like I’m crazy. They asked if they could unplug it and said that they advised that I just get a new one and not take any risk with that one they didn’t know what had happen but it had went out.

So then I try to get a hold of ex again and he finally answers and I tell him they where here and just left and that we need to get a new fridge for the month. He ask why. I tell him and he says oh I seen it do that before it is the defrosting thing that is in it is all I thought it was. Then he tells me that when him and my grandpa fixed it a few years ago that that is what they had to fix and that is where they put it in and that he hooked it up and turned it on and showed him how it worked. I called my grandpa to be sure he has worked on that stuff forever. He called me back why I was waiting for my boy to get off the bus and I was talking to him. He said yes it was normal and nothing to worry about and that it stays on for like 2 or 3 minutes that’s why it was off and cool by the time they got here. I hang up and my daughter say oh mommy I have seen it glowing like that in the bottom of the freezer before. I said you didn’t tell anyone or think anything was wrong. She said no I just did what I was doing and closed it. I guess I am the only one in the house that has never seen this and I am the only one in the house who thought anything of it when I did see it. I have had this fridge for like 4 years and had never seen it do that before. Oh well guess the fireman have a good laugh and story to tell. But hey they didn’t know what to think of it either they said toss it and get a new one. Thank god it wasn’t still glowing and hot when they got here. They probably would have took the ax to it and tried to put the fire out. i would have to buy a new one or find another one to use and that would really suck since we are only here for about another 30 days before we move.

They send 3 guys out and not one hot fireman in the three of them.