Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday for my birthday I had to work both jobs, it really wasn’t bad both were really slow so an easy day/night. I had already planed to take off by 9 from my night job to go have a few drinks with friends and unwind after dealing with her Christmas.

My friend I got back in touch with over the weekend (we will call him, J.W. said he wanted to go and Bff was talking about going. He messaged me off and on all yesterday. He asked where I wanted to go I told him I wasn’t sure. Then when I was getting to my night job he said lets go get some dinner. I told him I had to see and he said his treat.

I got off at 8:30 because it was so slow. The guy the works with me said earlier lets get out of here early tonight. I said that is fine with me I was planing on leaving at 9 anyway. By 830 it was so dead I said can we get out of here yet? He laughed and said go I’m not far behind you.

I went and picked up J.W. and we headed over to the island. We had been talking about what was open. We seen this Restaurant bar in down town open so  we decided to go in there. They have been around here forever when I was a kid but I had never been in there. I got the shrimp basket with cal slaw. It was really good. We sat there for a bit talking then we rode around for a while talking. I dropped him off and went home. It was about midnight then.

I messaged and told him thank you that I had a good time. He said he was glad and we needed to do it more often. I told him I was going to start going out once a week like I was before, He said it sounded good. I want to do more than just sit at the place and watch people sing or try to and do nothing. I want to start playing pool or walking the beach, something to get out and really do something not just sit. I sit all day at both job. once in a while going somewhere and just sitting is fine but I like to do other things too. Like Bff said maybe once a month go and just sit and hangout. That is fine, we can get a group of us together and do different things others want to do as well. I would love for bff’s aunt to come again but I don’t know if she will or not.

He said pool is free over where him and his friend goes not to far from the house. That is nice, it’s so much an hour at the other place but it is more of a pool hall. I don’t really care for either place but I know others that are free too. I don’t mind going to the one his friend goes to I have been in there few times. Can’t think for the life of me who the heck I was with when I was in there because most people I know don’t hangout in the places around us over there. That is going to bother me because I remember being there the other people there things we talked about, it being pretty slow, driving there and meeting them there but not who I was with. It has been a while. I can’t even remember if it was a friend I was with or a guy. I know it wasn’t bff she would never go somewhere like that. Well she wouldn’t have then. Who knows maybe I will figure it out.

Sleepwalking

I feel like that is how I have been getting through life just sleepwalking through it. I have felt so sleep deprived lately I almost can’t function. I have had a hard time driving home more times than I will admit to the last month. I have just hit that burnt out point in the year. Where I have worked to the point I am over worked and need vacation somewhere cut off from the world and all human interaction. Okay I know I am dreaming but I need a break of some kind. We haven’t done our girls night out in a really long time either so I am just working, sleeping repeat, time with kids on the weekend and jump back into the week. Not having that break and things getting busier at both jobs and the time getting ready to change always throws everything off. I am trying to acclimate I think.

I think the time change has a lot to do with it. I don’t know why but it always throws me off I think it’s worse this year with the hours I am working. The fact that my dads birthday is tomorrow don’t help either. The guy at work said something about it would of been his dads birthday it hit me that my dads was coming up this month. It was one of them things you know but not thinking about or keeping track of. Now it has been there nagging me for the last few weeks. I am going to get one of them chines lantern things and do. I am debating on doing tomorrow on break at my night job or waiting until the weekend and doing it with the kids somewhere. I don’t know how they would feel about it or be interested in doing it.

A lot has been going on I have wanted to write but just can’t concentrate when I sit down and try. It has been busy at my day job even when it isn’t the guys have been around and in the office a lot lately too. My night job things are so strictly watched and looked at I don’t want them seeing all my stuff. I hardly use the computer for anything other than work or to watch things when there is nothing to do. My phone has no service I have to hook it to the wifi to get on line and that is blocked so things can’t be done.

This morning thought I am in a good place. I am starting to feel like all the struggle and work I have been through the last 4 years is paying off and I have made that turn. I just want to write today and catch everyone up on what has happened and all that is going on. But I have to work some. So I am going to get off here for now and make my calls. Then I will have a while to jump back on and catch you all up on everything or most everything at least.

Only a Rain Storm

Hurricane Dorian did nothing but bring some wind and rain. Nothing more than a normal Florida rain storm we typically get this tine of year really.

I can not believe it. I am grateful we didn’t get slammed by a cat 5 or something like that and feel horrible for the people in the islands. I know we could be going through what they are and I could be out a lot nore than money. But right now I am out like two weeks pay.

I don’t think I can go camping now for Mr. 8’s birthday until a week or two later or next month. I have been figuring and figuring money and moving bills around trying to make it work. I just don’t see how. I feel bad I really want to take him and I really wanted to go with Mr. Responsible and his son. Us all and Bff would of had a blast.

I need to go over my tent see if it is usable, get a canopy, food, gas, cake and gifts, part of the money for the site. I don’t see it happening next weekend.

I may see if he still wants to go once I get money settled and get it all planed out again. I hope he dont get upset he said he understands.

I have Mr. 13’s birthday coming up 2 weeks after Mr. 8’s I have to do something for. I don’t know what he wants yet, I have to ask him. He was telling me something the other day Mom of The Year here can’t remember what it was. I think he wants to go to the movie but not sure.

I have to pat on bills they are hitting at once. The one I can normally move the due date because the date comes at a really bad time anyway. But for some reason I haven’t been able to move it. I figured things out I think if I don’t do the trip I can still do something and get everything taken care of. I can get the gifts from the kids and cake with family. Give him a date with the camping trip or tell him sit down with me help me pick somewhere to go. He will like that. That will cost me a lot less and then that part will be out of the way as well. Since the gifts from the kids will be done. That is a nice chunk of money in its self. I will do a cake when we go camping if BFF and other go. They will give him a little gift and things too.

I don’t think BFF is in the mood to go camp and things right now either after being away so long for the storm and things. I am tired wore out and just want to get back to normal and that wont be until next week and even then wont will missing work and more money to go camping, being away from home and all that. It be another week before I get back to any kind of normal. I don’t know if mentally I can handle that right now.

I feel bad but I never told him we would go camping for sure on his bday. Just that we would go.

Little Bitty’s Birthday

I just noticed that I hadn’t posted about Little Bitty’s birthday or the days around it. Other than about not being motivated to write and things. I thought I had written about it and just went to see if I had posted something else and seen I hadn’t posted either.

The 4th was her birthday I took off from my night job and took the kids all to the fair that was in town. We were all supposed to go, my the kids, Bff and her kids and her Aunt and her son and Sleeping Beauty. We made plans made sure we were all going to be able to make it and everything.

Then as I was running to the store and talking to Bff about heading her way and when they would be ready she got a phone call. It was Sleeping Beauty and he just got a phone call saying his aunt only had a few hours to live. He needed to go to where she was at. She said he was stuck south of us and was trying to get home, she was going to have to take him because his mom was already gone. I told her it was alright not to worry about it I would get her kids and take them do what they had to do and we would make it work.

I told Little Bitty that she wasn’t going to go what was going on. She said well Bff better go fast and get him there because she drives slow and he needs to get there fast she can’t drive slow she needs to make sure he gets there fast. She understood and was more worried about him getting there before something happen to his aunt than them not being there. She is so caring and loving.

Bff’s daughter ended up bringing her kids to the fair and meeting us there and I picked up her aunt and son and brought them with me. We all had a good time. The kids left about an hour or so earlier than we did. I don’t know why but her oldest decided to go ahead and take them home.

Little Bitty still had a good time and enjoyed her birthday.

They ended up coming home later that evening, she came around an was asking to eat and things. They headed home. I told her that they will do things like that right before it happens sometimes. That if they thought that was a good sign it probably wasn’t. She said no they knew and that someone there had said that too. But that for now she was okay and they were coming back.

That was Thursday, Friday she took him to his moms and dropped him off and he went up with her to go back and see her. She is about 2 hours from where we are maybe more. His mom is a lot closer so that worked out. She messaged me about 4 that afternoon said that she just passed.

This past Wednesday when we were all out he was sitting there next to me in the booth and he said oh yeah he said we are supposed to go to my aunts service this weekend but we aren’t going. He said his mom was over all his aunts affairs and that her kids and her had been into it. Said they were mad that she shut her credit cards down and wouldn’t let them use them and things. He said they have said and done all kinds of things to his mom and they decided they just weren’t going to go.

I said I didn’t blame them and that I understood. Isn’t it wonderful how death brings out the worse in people. I said I have seen it so much. Even my grandpa’s funeral and passing was a mess because of my aunt. He said yeah it was messed up and that it wouldn’t end good if they ended up going and things. So they were just staying home.

So Much To Do

It is after 11 am and I am still laying in my bed. I should of gotten up a long time ago. They are coming to look at the house tomorrow and I have to clean and get ready.

I have to clean the fans and blinds. It gets so dusty in my house so fast. The dust gets thick in no time. Even on my walls. I have never lived somewhere dust builds up on the walls and the ruff. It is like a every few weeks/monthly thing that needs done. Fans too even when you use them. I hate it and it has been let go for a bit. Now I have 24 hours to get it all done. Fans in all the rooms and a ton of windows and blinds. I just want to pull it all down and buy new but they will need done in a few weeks.

I just have to get it done and stay on top of it. I think because I am on a main road at a main intersection for our area. Tons of cars go by in a day. You wouldn’t think that much would come in but I think the a/c is bringing it in.

Little Bitty’s bday was Thursday, I took her and the rest of the kids to the fair. Now we have to do cake and gifts at some point today.

And be ready to go out of town for a while with Bff and all the kids for a while tonight maybe. I am still laying here like I have nothing to do. I am stressing about it all mostly the house and this lady coming. But I can’t force myself up to do anything about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am stressing but don’t care at the same time. Guess I should go make lunch and try to get this all done.

A Wasted Life

Do you ever just think about how old you are and look at your life and wonder how you are at this point? Or what you did with your life? I know that birthday’s are a big point in a lot of peoples lives and they really stop and think about this kind of things when different ones hit. Like wow I’m 21 I can do everything now, or I’m about to be 25 maybe I need to slow down and make some plans. The next thing you know your turning 30 or 36. This I think is the point that a lot of people start to really question life and what they are doing and have done.

I don’t know why but maybe because of when my birthday is and not really celebrating it at all hardly since I have gotten older I just never really put much thought into my birthday or really looked at the big picture I guess you could say. But for some reason lately I have really been thinking about being 38 and how close 40 is. Maybe it is the guys and the comments they have been making about being older or getting older and things that has me thinking about it. Talking to Mr. Responsible and Sleeping Beauty lately and them talking about getting old or being old. They are only 43 and 45. Then talking to my cousin the other night about meeting someone and having kids and all that. He said he wants another baby and things. We were talking about not wanting to have them to late in life. I said I as done but that he was still young and things. I think just a big mix of it all really has had it on my mind the last week or so and a lot the last few days.

Thinking about it all, I think I feel the way I do because of shutting down and being in that survivor mode for so long. You feel you just have to get through this or that and that you will have time when everything calms down to live life and do the things you want, meet that person, move, enjoy your kids, get that job or whatever it is that at the time seems like a little thing that can be put off because it isn’t as important as what you are doing or have to do right now. When in reality they are the big things that should be taken care of now and not put off until later.

Like my friend said do this and that and let the rest work it’s self out. You have to live life. I wasn’t I was just surviving because I felt that if I didn’t keep going and I tried to do anything other than get by everything was going to crash down on me. It was but I felt that I had a little control if I just kept pushing through and put everything on the back burner. Even if I did crash and burn miserably no one could say I didn’t try or give it my all. It was because of anything I didn’t do.

But now I think about meeting someone and all the time it takes to put into getting to know someone and then trying to have and build a relationship and I think by the time I find someone and get the to the getting to know and trying to build how old am I going to be? What if it don’t work out? Then I’m even older to start over again. I wonder is it even worth it? That I should of been doing this before now not sitting and trying to get my life straight and get me set first. But then if I didn’t where would I be and how many relationships down would I be, because i messed things up or what. I look at the guys that I have met and the ones that try to talk to me and things I wonder if I will ever meet someone and be happy. If I will ever get the things and have the things I want in life.

I wonder how do I teach my kids to live their lives and not worry about what others think of them, how to live life and not just get though their day or worry about surviving rather than living? I don’t want my kids waking up on the cusp of 40 and feel that they have wasted their lives.

I know that 40 isn’t that old, 45 isn’t either but it just seems like the reality of a new chapter and phase of life is starting. your not having kids and all that anymore. Your kids are about grown or well on the way and your starting to send kids to college and prepare for them to start families and all that. Your on your way to having that empty nest and being on your own. Why unlike Bff who would like more kids and others who want more. That isn’t what I am  looking for and I am happy my kids are getting older and independent. I don’t want to start over. But I guess it’s the being alone and not having that other half there to share things with and grow “old” with and the magnitude of the effects of putting life on hold all that time is really setting in.

I also been thinking about the friends I had before and all that I use to do with and for the kids and with friends and things and the fact that I isolated myself so much back when everything happen with me and ex and how I don’t have those relationships anymore and I want those kinds of relationships again.

Yesterday 10/25/18

Yesterday would of been my daddy’s 66th birthday. I can not believe I have been 3 years without him. I miss him just as if it was last week. We didn’t do much, me and oldest went to the store late the night before (Tuesday) and after being in there only a matter of minutes I was so sick. My head was hurting so bad the lights driving home hurt my eyes. The light from my phone was horrible and if I tried to scroll up and down or side to side anything I couldn’t stand it, I had to close my eye. I went straight to bed.

When I got up the next moring to get the little ones ready for school it was still hurting. Not as bad but still pretty bad. I had oldest walk them over let them get breakfast and take them to class and mostly just slept for the day. It finally went away.

I have no idea what broughtbit on so fast and so bad. I didn’t notice a smell or sound in the store and oldest said she felt fine. It was odd.

After I picked the kids up at school I took them to the park for a while. We ended up being there for 2 hours or more. We went and explored a park we had never been to. It was nice and fun.

There was a trail to walk that goes out to big ponds with little docks and there was two areas to bring dogs too. One had a big fence the other has a lower fence. I would have to take my to crazy beast in the one with the higher fence so they do not jump out and run away. They also had some great places to take pictures of the kids. I think I took a few hundred shots why we were there. Some posed some just random.

My little guy decided to climb the tree he got about halfway up and got scared. The older kids had to get him down because he was over our heads and they are taller. In a little bit he decided to try again. He got a little higher and came down. He kept going back trying again and a again. Me and the girld went back over to the park the boys stayed by the water and the trees. In a little bit I hear mommy come look!!

I turn around and look and I can see him in the top of the tree out on a branch sitting like he is riding a horse and holding onto another playing with it. I ran over and took pictures. I had the other kids stand under the tree look up so you can see how high up he was. He thought it was great I am just thinking how is he going to get down? In a minute I started taking pictures of the other kids there doing something and he comes running up. In like a minute or so he was down. He climbed it a few times he is so proud of himself. I am to overcoming his fear that fast and how fast he gets up there and down wow.

I told him he takes after his Grandpa, he was a tree climber and cutter most my life. He worked for the power company here keeping the trees out of the powerlines or getting them out. He did a lot of side jobs when I was little as well and we would help him.

Boy I sure miss my dad its just this empty spot something is missing.

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