{August 22, 2020}   Not Dealing With Shit Tonight

As you know I am staying with JW for my covid cation as I am now calling it. Anyways no one lives in the house across the street they use it for meetings or parties. It is a biker clubhouse. They ask JW if they could park in the yard before and he said yes. Well they know I come over here and need room to park and almost never leave me room. To me it is just rude. Someone is letting you use their parking and you do not leave them room for even one car. They see me come up trying to park and know where I am going not one offers to move.

So today I come home and see people gathering over there and a car already parked in the lot of the empty place next to us. We are in a duplex. I pulled up across our yard kind of half an X. And just off the road into our parking/yard area. I have a much larger vehicle than before and they are not going to not leave me room to park or block me in so I can’t back out. I am sure they are pissed, I seen them looking when I parked and got out. I don’t care. I hope they say something I am going to tell them had you not been so rude every not for a week or more last time I wouldn’t care. But since you were I’m making sure i can park and get out. They will have the street and yards so full all the way down you can hardly drive down without rubbing another car. They want to start I will have them towed or their pow wow broke up. I don’t care if they are bikers respect is respect you get what you give. He say’s it’s the bikers I told them they could. But to me like I said before they know someone lives there even if they don’t have a car they may have company leave a space don’t be an ass. Then night after night they see me come over there don’t offer to move or take my space as soon as I leave. Not knowing if I am going to the end of the street to the store and back or what. Or not moving when i get back. Nope rude and I am not playing their game.

They want to talk about the bad image they have but all they do for the community. Then be that way. Seems the image they hold is for a reason and they are just putting on a show for the community. I got news for them they are nothing more than people and I’m not scared of them.

{January 2, 2020}   New Years Eve

How was your New Year’s eve? Mine was alright I guess. I went out with J.W., he was at his friends house that is two houses away from mine. I can stand in their yard and see mine. It was alright, I was feeling very torn and guilty. I got the whole I shouldn’t be going out blah blah bad mom and all that went along with it. I got over there and there were a ton of teens hanging out and running around, didn’t make things any better. I hate to hangout with others kids on nights like that and when I don’t have mine with me. Being with a house full of people I don’t know didn’t help. By the time I got out of the house and went to meet him I was already not in a good mood and not in the mood to drink. I knew if I did I wouldn’t stop and it wouldn’t be good and I didn’t want to be stuck at these peoples house or to go home and I didn’t want to drink like that just meeting these people. But I wanted to drink. I just hung out and once midnight hit I left. I had told J.W I wanted to leave before midnight but he didn’t want me to go. He wanted to go but wanted to hangout there until midnight. It was like 10:30. We stood outside and talked for a long time. Once it got close to midnight we went inside and watched the ball drop and left shortly after that.

I wanted one of those lantern things that you light and it floats away to take to the beach. I went to about three stores and couldn’t find one. We ended up just going out to the beach and walking down the beach and talking. We walked a lot further down than we had the other night. But the other night it started raining. The kids started calling new years and I told them I would be home in a while. We looked and seen how far we had made it and decided to turn around and go back. He wanted to stop and get something to eat on the way home so we did that. I did not think it would take near as long as it did but it took forever even though they weren’t busy. I didn’t get home until after 3.

Over all it was a decent night. I just wish things hadn’t worked out the way they did and I was able to be in a better mood. I messaged him later and told him again I was sorry I just had a lot going on torn and then dealing with things. This time of the year is a really hard time and then to have the holidays and trying to do all that it don’t help.

How was your New Years Eve?

{January 1, 2020}   Happy New Years

I hope you all had a great new years eve and having a great day with friends and family today.

Did you make any resolutions this year? What are they? Do you normally accomplish them? What revolutions from last year have you accomplished?

{September 10, 2019}   It Has Been A Long Day

And night so far. At least it is only 10 minutes til 10 pm and I only have two hours left. I could of left at 9 or 10 but with only getting 7.5 hours here last week I need all the hours I can get. My work was done before 9 so I have been bouncing back and forth between my desk and outside. Watching netfix and listening to YouTube on my phone. I am sitting here outside listening to music and writing this on my phone.

Like earlier it is such a nice night I want to be just about anywhere but here. I haven’t been able to just sit there at my desk tonight. It was hard sitting at my desk all day today even with work to do. I am sitting out back watching the trucks come and go and get loaded. Its been a pretty quiet night other than the ones calling in to cry about having to work, their co drivers or what they are having to do.

This day has just been one of them dragging take forever to pass kind of days. I don’t know what it is but it feels like 4 hours have passed and it’s only been 10 minutes if your lucky. It is hard not to leave now and go home. But I wouldn’t be doing anything but that going home to lay in bed and not be able to sleep. May as well sit here and work.

My mind is all over the place today. I am hungry and have less than $10. I get paid tomorrow for my whopping 7.5 hours. My check Friday was a whole 14 hours. I had rent to pay last week. This week I am hit with what, lights and car insurance. I am supposed to be able to delay it and for some reason I can’t.

I want to go get food but I don’t want to use the extra gas or spend the money. I could eat whatever they had for dinner when I get home. But I dont feel like messing with it at 12:30/1a.m when I finally get there. I just fall in bed and try to sleep.

I messaged Mr. Responsible was going to see if he lend me a few dollars until Thursday or Friday and being me some food. But then didn’t ask him, I know he hasn’t had a lot and probably missed work too. Even if it was his last few he would give it to me because that is just how he is. I don’t want to short him for the week. I will just shuffle things around and try to take a little out tomorrow.

Oh great I have Mr. 8’s birthday this week too I knew I was forgetting something. I know it is just not thinking about the money coming out this week. Maybe I wont pull any out. Good thing I didn’t borrow any. I will make it work I always figure it out and make do.

{January 1, 2019}   Another New Year Upon Us

I hope you all had a nice safe New Year’s Eve. Relaxe and enjoy your day with the one’s the bring you peace and joy.

The kid’s and I pllayed games from about 8/9pm Sunday night until 4am Monday. We then went to bed and slept until 1 pm. We needed it, we’ve not spent time like that in a very long time. After we got up and had lunch we went to Bff’s house for awhile. Oldest decided to stay there tonight.

I took the other kids to Stake & Shake. I didn’t have the money but I was thinking kids eat free. I would pay for me and 2nd oldest and that would be it. Boy was I wrong, not wrong I just messed up. It was Monday not Sunday. I am not use to being off on a week day. So I ended up paying for all of us. But oh well, they enjoyed it and it’s not like we do it all the time. It was $20.

Tomorrow we are supposes to go to the park and over to Bff’s for dinner. The kids are excited. They were today too getting to play with her kids and thinbgs. It was nice just getting to sit and talk face to face. We hardly ever get to see each other since I been working during the week. Before when I had week days off we would get to hang out and things. Now I am only off on the weekend and she is busy with her kids and hubby i am busy with the kids and work Saturday’s.

But it should be a nice New Years day following a nice New Years Eve.

{August 29, 2018}   Living in Reverse

Do you ever feel like you are living your life backwards? I have since me and father of the year split up. I think I have probably said it before back when as well. But I feel like it more now, the more I really sit down and look back over the last 7 years.

When I was in my teens I was the “good” kid. I didn’t get in trouble go out and party sneak out or anything like that. I hung out with a lot of questionable people but never did things with them or hung out much outside of school much. I wasn’t “boy crazy” and sleeping around like a lot of girls were. I had a long term boyfriend that I almosy married the last year or so of high school. I had one on and off and another I dated for a bit.

I was always the one out of my friends who worked even after high school I went right to work and that is what I did work and go home. I dated here and there a few guys before I met Father of the year but not many.

I saved money to move and then my dog got sick and I spent a big chunk on him. I moved out I moved in with friends and worked and bought a car. Staying where I was didn’t work I moved in with another friend that was looking for a roommate. Before long Father of the year moved in with us.

I helped him get a good job I was working or baby sitting making money. I made sure we kept a car and bills were paid. Before long we were married, having kids and buying a house. I was always right there holding things together and making sure things were taken care of. Being responsible and doing what a wife and mom were supposed to do. I was okay with that.

Then me and Father of the Year split up I got him to move out I was still okay and pushing along. But I was feeling lonely, because I had been for so long even when father of the year was there and had put up with so much abuse. I started hanging out with my “friend” and we ended up doing what we are. It helped being lonely and being alone when the kids would be gone on the weekend and things. It wasn’t something I ever would of done before. But I been through so much I was but wasn’t looking for much at the time. I was okay with it we were both adults and knew what we were getting into before we did it. I am still today fine with it and have no regrets.

Then I met RC and unlike I wanted to I let things happen way to fast with him. He was what I was looking for. I guess I felt safe with him even though I didn’t know him, because he was a friend of my good friend and I trusted him. I knew he wouldn’t set me up with someone that wasn’t going to treat us right. It wasn’t all RC I have said that from the start and seeing more of my fault in things.

But from there I feel like I was always so careful not to get in trouble not to get pregnant and things when I was younger. Then there I was 3 kids and one on the way and he had left. I shut down for a while and then withdrew from everything and worked on getting my divorce and things set for me and the kids together.

I feel now I am over it all, I am over being the responsible one, I am over doing it all and having no life. I just want to go out and party, go have drinks, go on dates and just do what I want to do with whoever I want to do it with. I don’t want to have to worry about anything with the kids, being there at night or what. I just want to come and go when I please. I just want to do what I want. I feel like a rebellious teen. The more I think about dating and things I think screw it just go out with whoever. Go out with the yard guy who cares he is legal. Go with the one from work just go with all of them and have fun. Even though that isn’t what I really want at this point its like fuck it I can’t find anyone looking for the same things I am so why not?

Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to neglect my kids or leave my kids. I just want to beable to to do things with them and have money and time for myself. Not feel guilty about going out or taking time for myself. Right now if I go out i feel guilty. I want to be able to walk out of the house go out not worry about needing to be home by this or that time. If I want to stay overnight somewhere I can it isn’t a big deal.

But everyone makes such a big deal out of it if I just walk out the door and meet my bff at the store for a little bit and hang out. Or stop off after work for a bit and sit and talk. If I bring up a guy lord for bit you think I was neglecting my kids and going out with a different one every night and dragging them home too. Because that is how everyone acts and like I’m not supposed to date or want to date and that my life is supposed to revolve around my kids and that’s it. Everyone talks about what a horrible mom I am and everything I dont do and everything else. But they do not look at what all I am doing. They don’t look at the daily fight it is with myself just to get out of bed a lot of times and function as much as I do. That maybe if I did get out more and was able to meet someone and have a little bit of a life I would be happier and do better. Don’t get me wrong I’m not, not doing things because I don’t have someone and feel I need someone. I don’t mean it in that way at all. But you all know how it is when you habe support and that person there. Even if things are “perfect” in life you still just feel better or different when you have someone.

I don’t know maybe I am going through a midlife crisis. Maybe I am just woreout and beat down like I said before. I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I just want to do what I want to do and whatever happens just happens. I know I can’t and I will always do it and be there but it sucks when you do it 24/7/365. I know they are little and they will grow up and I will miss it but you know I don’t even know if I will because it has been such a struggle. I don’t want to just be happy they are older and it is over kind of person but I am afraid that is how it is going to be because i feel so bad not being able to do things with them and always being the one.

I know I probably again sound like the worse mom out there and a horrible person for saying these things. But you know what it is a fact of life when your a single parent and you are trying to do right by your kids and not drag a ton of people in and out of their lives. I’m not just talking about moms, because I know there are a lot of single dads out there doing it all on their own too with no moms around. If they are trying to be decent parents and do right by their kids I am sure they have some of the same thoughts or feelings. But it is so taboo to talk about them. You don’t dare bring them up or say them out loud even if you have them because the odds are your already not doing a good enough job in most peoples eyes and they think less of you because you are a single parent. God for bid you have any kind of thoughts other than wanting your world to revolve around your kids from now on. Now you just became the worse person on the earth and you don’t love or care about your kids. And that isn’t what your saying at all. But that is all they hear. Well lucky for you all I am here to say it put it out there in the universes and say your not alone. It’s a safe place to talk or vent with no judgement.

{August 9, 2018}   Birthday Debate

I talk to Sleeping Beauty a little tonight while I was delivering pizzas. I had to deliver one a few doors away from where he was staying before he came here. I said I am in your old hood. He said really? I said yep at 6. He said thats right by x. I said yeah I know. I got busy didn’t say anything else. He was on his way home figured he was going to get cleaned up and eat relaxe.

I got off I messaged and ask what exciting plans he had for his birthday? He said nothing yet, but he was beat he had to get some sleep. I said okay told him goodnight. He was probably already laying down it was about 10. I know he goes between 9/10 when he is there. Sometimes he is up later but he been working a lot to and out in the heat.

I am thinking about asking him if he wants to go do something for his birthday. It is my one day I will be off if I keep doing pizzas. I just say I got called in to the other job. They know I do and that I don’t get off until late. It would not be that late anyways because he has to work the next day.

I don’t know what to suggest, niether of us drink really and there isn’t a lot of things around here to do. Ask him if he wants to go to the beach like he said the other night. He probably say get the hell out of here with the beach lol. Where we went all time before.

I just figured it be nice to offer to do something if no one has. I know he has mixed feelings about it and with all that is going on off and on.

I think I will ask him tomorrow see what he says. I’m tell him stay out of trouble this weekend too being his bday weekend. Not to go do anyrhing stupid or getting all depressed. His mom and them may have plans too he don’t know about. Guess we will findout.

Maybe it will give us a chance to talk and things too.

{September 17, 2017}   Worse Birthday Ever

Today is my Little Guys birthday, he is 7 today and of course it has been a very messed up week since the hurricane hit us and everything else. I been home then was called for training today so had to go do that. The kids all stayed with a friend for the day. I picked them up dropped them off at home, me and the girls went to get cupcakes, gift and dinner. We couldn’t get dinner because the stores are empty of just about any food right now because of the storm. I was going to go to the other store and pick up subs for the night. Not what he wanted but I figured he like them anyway since I couldn’t get what he ask for. We get to the truck to put stuff in and I see a big puddle of water under my truck. It smells like antifreeze. I open the hood and look there is no water in the truck. I called my friend/boss from the shop and he said limp it home (less than a mile) we would have to see where it is coming from. I am not able to go to the other store so I just spend money out on food to be brought to us because I have not been able to do any really shopping with the stores having hardly any food.

Then my Big Guy spilled the cupcakes and the frosting got all over them and the box. The food is going to take an hour to get here and it is already late because I had training and didn’t get home until late. I got here got in a big fight with my mom, she said something about she wondered about the water or something because I never check it. I told her I do and she went on about how she has never seen me and blah blah bullshit bullshit. I told her I do all the time and that I have the guys at work check it if I don’t. Oh yeah you might have them but you don’t. I said yes I do most the time. She started again about she never seen me and on and on. We got in a huge argument. Well I was going to tell you what was probably wrong with it but fuck it blow it up or find someone else to tell you then. Like I am going to be all upset and fall all over telling her I’m sorry or beg her to tell me what is wrong with it. It could be a lot of things, a hose, the water pump, who knows. Not like she can do anything to it anyways. I could careless, what she says or don’t. I know to many people that can tell me or look at it and tell me.

I ordered pizza and they said it would be an hour wait but it was here in about 15 minutes I was surprised. When the guy came my Little Guy told him it was his birthday and they were talking about it. We sat down ate and was just finishing up when someone knocked on the door. I had been waiting for farther of the year to show up out of the blue try to start or think he was just going to come walking in because it was his birthday thinking I wouldn’t say anything because it was. So when the pizza came early I thought that maybe him then when we were done eating and it was so late and someone knocked I thought it maybe. I figured he wouldn’t but also figured if he got a wild hair in his ass he use it as an excuse. I hadn’t even gotten to wash my hands but I didn’t want the kids to answer it if it was him. I had my oldest open the door for me since the others were in the other room. I figured if it was him I would just go outside and tell him he had to leave. It was the pizza delivery guy back, he had a little bag in his hand and gave me. He said for the birthday boy. It was two of those lava cakes and a Sprite. So then he ran out and told him thank you. He thought it was the best thing ever that he would bring that back to him since it was his birthday. I think that help turn his night around a little bit anyway.

I was going to do a surprise party for him this weekend coming up since my Big Boys birthday will be the following weekend at the end of the month. I figured the weekend in the middle would be good. But then we had Irma come through and cause problems and I spent and lost so much money that I figured it be better to wait until the first and do it. It be a few days after my Big boys bday but it can still be for both of them, everyone knows what happen and is still trying to clean up and deal with the storm too. They do not know I am planing it, it is a surprise party I want to keep it that way just in case something happens and we are not able to do it they won’t be disappointed. I told them we would get together with family and things in a week or two when things calmed down but noting about a party with friends and kids from school.

{April 5, 2017}   4 Years Already

I can not believe the new girl in town is 4 years old already. She brought papers home the other day saying she needed to sign up for vpk for next year. I was like this isn’t for you, you have another year…then it hit me no she don’t she will be in vpk this year when school starts back. She is growing up so fast it is unreal.

She took mini cupcakes and milk to school to share with her class. We just did cake and dinner here with me and the kids tonight. She is so funny I asked her what she wanted for her birthday dinner tonight so I could go to the store if I needed to. She said chicken noodle soup. I said oh okay I can make you some homemade chicken soup that works good because we have chicken from tonight I can use. She looked at me and said no mom I want Dory Soup you get in the can from the store. I said you want a can of chicken noodle for your birthday dinner instead of something else or homemade? She said yes I want Dory kind. She got Dory chicken soup for her birthday dinner and me and the kids had homemade chicken soup. I tried to get her to eat some of ours and she would have no part of it. Hey if she is happy and had a good birthday then I’m happy.

I picked her gift up from us and gave her. I got her two of the new super hero figures they have that are like Barbies but they are Bat women or Wonder women. I picked out Bat women and Harley Quin. I figured she have a good guy and bad guy. She told me they are both good and they are friends. I like these they don’t have clothes like Barbies they just have their cape and everything is painted on but like the bat ears or their glasses I just left the things on that hold the ears and glasses on. They had some with cute outfits that were a little nicer but I didn’t spend the money and get them because as soon as she gets a new doll of any kind she rips its clothes off and it lays around naked from then on. I figured this was better and I got two for the same money I would have gotten one for. I like to get her a few of the others maybe when she gets a little older and won’t rip everything off and have a naked baby laying around and the clothes getting messed up. I love they made them for the little girls. She thinks it is cool she can play super hero’s with her brothers now and have her own girl ones.

She wants to have a party everyone come over, I think I am going to do cake and things Easter when everyone is together. I ended up doing that for her fist birthday I think it was because we had just moved in here and Easter was not that far away. I had to get the house put together and things before I could have a party anyway because we moved in 3 days before her birthday.

She is s funny and smart, she is always doing something my little handful already. But I can’t imagine life without her.

{December 31, 2016}   The End of 2016

As everyone is getting ready for tonight and getting ready to go to parties or what not I am doing the mom thing and it’s just another day for the most part. I am herding the kids to get their chores done as my floors are nasty they have spilled I don’t know what or them and tracked it around. The normal everyday crud from the dirt outside and the dogs being walked. We can mop and with in a day sometime minutes they look like they haven’t been mopped. I hate them. I have to wash my rug and get it back in here as well because something got spilled on it too. My grandpa is coming today to try and fix my washer or at least find out what is wrong with it. I still think someone is doing something to it. Because both times it stopped working was when someone was messing around. I am getting a locking knob to put on out there. I just don’t have the money my friends boyfriend has a new one over there he said I could have. Someone bought it for their door but it won’t work. He said give him a ride up to the store to get the right one for his door I could have that one. I keep forgetting to get it when I am there. It’s one of them things you just don’t think about at the moment. Before I was supposed to get the door knob they were taking off when they put the new one on because there is nothing wrong with it it just isn’t the right one for the door. But now since the new one won’t work either he said just take it.

I want to get the Christmas stuff down and put up for the year today, most the time we leave them up a little longer but it got really windy here the other night and blew things everywhere so I think I’m just going to take it down vs setting it all back up just to take it down in a week. Start the new year off with everything put up and clean even if it is just for a few days.

My friend is supposed to come stay the night tonight after my grandpa leaves I have to go pick her up. I have a six pack of screwdrivers I have had since Easter of 2015 that I have not drink yet. That was just weeks after my dad died and it was a horrible day with my mom, I was ready to drink and stopped and got it on the way home. But I didn’t drink it I calmed down, relaxed and skipped it. That is how often I drink it’s been in there all this time. I have part of a bottle of Jack that has been here for years since I was in my house so it is 5 or 6 years old or older because I had it for a while there too. I have drink twice since I bought the 6 pack in my fridge and that was the other week when I went up and seen my friend we sat by the fire outside and drink a few. Then the night me and my other friend went out and she was supposed to be my driver and ended up drinking more than me. But then Father of the Year wants to call here and act like something is wrong with me and I have been drinking or something. Tonight when the kids go to bed yes we will probably sit out front talk and have a few while she smokes and bring in the new year.

Other than that it is going to be a day of cooking and cleaning and referring kids and dogs. I am supposed to be putting a roast in the crock pot but came to look up a recipe and got lost here.

I am also trying to work on a few things in between everything else I am doing today so I don’t know if I will be around anymore today or not. I should be back tomorrow but it will depend if I get things done or not. Everyone have a happy and safe New Years eve and New Years day. See you next year when I get things figured out and done.


et cetera
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