Waiting To Hear Back

I can not believe I am home in my bed and have been for almost an hour now. Work has went from none stop to nothing, like someone flipped a switch. I lose ours one day this week and then lose the whole day starting next. I clocked out 15 minutes early today and really could have an hour but didn’t. I ran 2 rooms 8 people in 7 hours. Both rooms were in and out in 30 minutes and less.

I was talking to the boss this afternoon I told him I was job hunting. He said good because hours were going to be cut even more. He said if I could find something waiting tables a few nights a week or something. But I do not want to do that. I told him I want to get away from nights that I was applied at the truck stop store place for a 5 to 2 shift or something. He said oh that would be great there would be no conflict with when we would need you here. I just said yeah.

I do not know if i am going to stay on there or for how long it will all depend on what I get and how many hours.

Bff’s older 2 girls work at the truck stop the one is close with the hirering person she has been there while. She was working full time just went to just weekends. She was doing a 5am to 2 pm shift. She said she thought it was still open. She said put her on my application and let her know she would talk to the manager have him pull my application.

I applied for her position that was open and a team lead in the same area. I put on my application i could work between 5am and 5pm Monday through Friday and 5am to 2pm some weekends but not all. I know a lot of the kids were busted back to just weekends now school started and the college kids a lot ask to go to just weekends. I figure if I am willing to do some now and then would be good.

I did all that today and let her know I did. I hope to hear back from them by the end of the week. I seen they are having a job fair next week if I do not get called before I may go to that. But I probably will.

6 Long Years

Last night when reading the post that made me write I Pushed Him Away, got me to thinking about how long I have been alone and doing this all on my own.

It has been six years since we split up and I have not been in a relationship with anyone since. You know how long it has been but until you really stop and think about it….

Its no wonder I feel the way I do and so down at times. It been six years of doing and giving for everyone else and no one giving back helping or doing for me. Six years of no one caring about me or showing me affection or anything. Yeah I have my friend but its not even close to the same.

Just going through everyday day to day stuff with the kids growing it seems like it has flown by. When I think about it, it seems like forever ago, another life time almost. I try to remember how it felt when me and RC were together and were happy its like hard to think I was ever happy. It was suck a short little tiny blimp of time. That almost year seems like it was a day. But the other 5.5 years seem like 10 years. 10 years of struggling and being a lone and unhappy. Not unhappy because I was/am a lone just unhappy because of struggling and not seeing an end insight. It just all seems so odd to me.

Thunder Storms

I noticed something odd lately. We have been having a lot of lightening and thunder storms lately. More lightning than thunder really. We haven’t had hardly any rain with it, a lot of times none or a few minutes worth while the rest last for hours or most the day/night.

I do not ever remember having such storms ever really. I remember way back working for the bail bonds place, the lady that worked with me was talking about them. She was telling me where her daughter lived would have them. I thought it was so odd and had never heard of such a thing. I mean we get them but always ended up having rain or a sprinkle or you hear see a little lightening but it blew over fast the rain skirted us. But it didn’t last for hours or all day/night like it has been.

Last night I was laying here and heard all this loud banging and realised it was thunder. I never did hear any rainbut just listening to the thunder a few minutes made me fall a sleep. It must of rain this morning early because things were wet.

It just seems odd we normally have a lot of rain this time of year and we aren’t. We are just having these thunder and lightening storms.

I Pushed Him Away

A memory from 6 years ago popped up on my page a few minutes ago. I said something about all the changes about to happen, looking for a job and new house. I am pretty sure this was when I Foundout I was pregnant with Little Bitty.

I looked through the comments and RC and me had commented back and forth and some others said stuff. But one of his comments was you act like your a lone in this. I am here to with you or something like that. Just saying he going through it to we need to be together i wasn’t a lone. I told him i knew he was i was sorry he felt alone or that way or what. That i wasn’t tryi n g to make things harder on him. He said he was there maybe one day I would see that he loved me.

I cried reading it. Because it just hit me that he was trying and I just pushed him away. I know at the time i felt so overwhelmed, depressed and like I couldn’t function. I felt a lone i really did. I felt like he was against me too and mad at me. I guess to a point he probably was because i shut down wasn’t talking. He tried and tried to get me to i say i was fine or we already talked about it. I didnt want to keep talking about the same old same make him feel bad things had not changed yet or i felt it was or he wasn’t doing enough or what. But i also didn’t check in with him to really see how he was feeling or thought or needed. I wasn’t close with him like we had been. I just sat alone left him to deal on his own.

It is no wonder he did what he did. He felt he wasn’t wanted or good enough probably. Just what I was trying to keep him from feeling. It was shortly after that he found his little girl and everything came crashing in. I was pushing him away she was there for him to turn into.

I am not saying it was right or that he is blameless. He did somethings too but now I see why. It was just the perfect storm at the wrong time. I have always said it was my fault too. But its never really hit me what I really done. I knew I done things but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. But i didn’t know i done that the way I did.

In Need of Advice

Little Bitty brought up her dad again the other day. I just don’t know what to tell her or do. I just let her talk and told her I did not find his number yet. I haven’t, I could message him but I don’t know. Not something I really want to message him.

I am torn between contacting him or not. I have so many mixed feelings over it all. I want nothing more than for them to have some kind of relationship. I feel the sooner it forms if it is going to the better. But then I worry if he comes to see her how things will end up. Because I don’t want him to bring his gf if they are still together. I don’t want him taking her around his mom and her boyfriend. I don’t want to fight over it. I fight enough as it is when it comes to dealing with things. I don’t want this to be one too.

Like I told my friend, if he came here to see here great I have no problem with it. I have no problem with him taking her on his own out if he wanted to and she wanted to go. Because when it comes down to it he is a good dad and she would be safe with him and I do not think he try to pull anything. If it was just him. But if he came with her or decided to go see his mom why he was here I do not trust them even with him there. They are not people I want her around.

If he does want to have anything to do with her is he going to stick around or is it just going to be in and out and worse on her than not finding him? If he wants nothing to do with her how do I handle that and tell her? How am I going to feel and react to talking to him and having him in our lives in whatever form that maybe? And seeing him if it comes to that? How am I going to react if he gets nasty and don’t want anything to do with her? Way to much to consider all the way around. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t really had anyone to talk to and bounce things off of or get any advice from. Everyone to busy with their own crap or just say don’t do it tell her you can’t find him right now. I can I don’t want to lie to her. Then she finds out later I could of all along. That would not be good.

I think I am going to ask Sleeping Beauty if we can get together and talk. Tell him I just need advice. We always talk about the kids and things going on he thinks of things i don’t or points things out. Gives good advice.

Think I’m Going To Go On A Date

I was doing my daily round to the store or what before I had to go to work today. Me and oldest, we went to one store and then had to go to another. As I was leaving the parking lot I seen the guy I use to work with from the fast food place. I run into him here and there or see him when I stop in. He always stops me and talks to me. He always makes the comment we should go out when we have free time.

Today as I was leaving I seen him at his truck in the parking lot. I honked and waved as we went by. We got out on the street I realized he was walking around and getting something out of the toolbox. I looked at oldest and said oh I wounder if something is wrong, if he is stuck. I felt stupid for not noticing and stopping. I text him and ask him if everything was okay if he was stuck? Did he need help? He said no he was recharging the air in his truck.

I told him I noticed him in the box after I left wanted make sure i could come back help or run him home. He said no he was good thanks. We talked off and on today. He said again we should get together one day. We talked about our days off and things.

I think I am going to go. I am not looking for it to go anywhere just friends thats all. I have talked about him a few times on here. He is older I think. He maybe in his mid to late 40’s I think more like early 50’s. But he seems to be a pretty decent guy. He is a single dad taking care of the kids on his own. He has three I think. Two are late teens ones about my older two’s age. Think there are 3. I can’t remember. From the little we have talked I don’t think mom is in the picture. We have never really talked a lot about that.

But I figure hell gets me out, I need some new friends who are single. I have to see what I am doing Thursday see maybe do lunch or dinner. I have to see how money looks for me by then too. If not this week maybe next.

A Throw Everything Out Mood

I have been fighting the erge to rip through my house and get rid of everything and move things around. I don’t know why because I have been sick for days now. But I wanted to before I felt sick too. I guess the clutter is finally getting to me and the fact I am praying she will be out in just over a month and we can have our lives back. I figure I can get a start on getting things the way I want them instead of waiting. And that things are about to change for her if she dont get out soon. But she is one way or another because I will file if she is not out in the next month to two months.

I just want our lives back to normal. My bff says gather a bag of stuff every day to get rid off start working on it until she leaves. But it isn’t how I do things. I just want to go in open the house up and toss everything out all at once and be done. I feel like I am getting somewhere and got something done. Where as one bag or two a day feels like I am getting no where and it is taking forever.

I have to get somethings in my room done because I need to get everyones junk out of my room. It is taking over. I guess we will go from there I will decide what I am going to do from there.

Tips

Last night I got a $10 and a shot of Vodka for tips. We had two guys come in and they were early so they said they were going to walk over to the liquor store to get a drink was that okay. The girl working with me told them as long as they were capable they could take drinks in. I said oh your going to the liquor store you have to share. One said something about getting a coke or something. I said oh forget it you don’t have to share that. I was joking we joke all the time with customers about all kinds of things.

In a little bit I come out and they are back. I go sit down and the other girl picks up a bag and goes lets see what this is and opens it. She tossed me one of the little $1 or $2 bottles of shots you can buy. The one guys like i had them stickbit in a bag and all trying to be descreat and yall just tossing it back and forth. We were like yeah don’t really have to hide things here lol.

Later we had a group of brothers and their wives. They were all late but one group and then they were just giving eachother shit and messing aroud dead leg and anything else you can think of. You thought we had a group of 12 year old little boys not grown men. But everyone was just joking around cutting up having a good time, so it wasn’t bad. The girl working with me went to take a picture for them before they got started. The one grabbed her put his arm aroumd her as they were walking and handed her $20. We split it.

Most I have gotten is an offer to bring me dinner one night, I said no. We thought we were getting tip from a big church group we had in yesterday but they didn’t. You never know really most people don’t then you get the few that will but it isn’t offten. It is the one’s you wouldn’t expect would tip you are the ones who do. The one’s you think would don’t. Like the large church group that showed up late and cheated and we made arrangements for them gave them discounts and everything. Or the birthday party that you go out of your way and set everything up and clean up when it isn’t something we offer and they know it. Really in the situations like that had I been the church group or party I would of tipped. The guys who brought the shot we were truely joking with and never thought they would. But it ws nice. The group of brothers had it been me i wouldn’t of thought to tip. I don’t think a lot of people do. Just on a general outing at most places i don’t think to tip.

Weight Loss and Why

I just want to clear something up about my weight loss. I have had so many people tell me I didn’t need to lose, I looked fine the way I was, and I don’t need to lose more. They say I shouldn’t worry about what others think, or I should be happy with myself the way I am not always trying to lose weight and worrying how I look.

First off I do not do anything because I am worried about what others think of me. Weight or other wise. Anyone who knows me should know this by now. As for being happy with my body or myself, I am completely fine with myself the way I am. I may not 100% like something but I am not sitting around worrying about it or trying to figure out how to change it. Or wanting too change it or feeling bad over it. I decided a long time  ago this is me this is how I look at any given time and it can and will change and that is okay. I am fine with that. Whoever has a problem with it to bad that is on them.

I wasn’t trying to lose weight last year when I lost 20 something pounds all of a sudden. I just started working and my habits and things changed. I have always been that way where I will just all of a sudden drop a big amount then maintain or gain again for a while. It wasn’t like I set out to lose. I have talked about wanting to for a while but never really worked at it. The reasons I wanted to was to feel better be healthier not because of the way I look or what others think of me. I am sure I have said that before when talking about my weight. I am not comfortable at this weight, I feel the effects of being this big going up and down stairs, running with the kids and dogs and see it in the swelling and pain in my legs. I want to feel better I am not worried about looking better or finding a guy. Believe it or not it is mostly guys telling me I didn’t need to lose and don’t need to lose more. I have never had negative comments from guys at any size I have been. I don’t know why because I know a lot of women say they get comments from guys about their size a lot. Thank god I have not had that experience because it probably would not of ended well. I went off on a boss over making fat jokes and comments about another girl who worked with us. He do it to her face, I went off one day I was so over hearing it he wouldn’t let up.

I think it comes down to confidences, appearance, and how you carry yourself. Guys are attracted to women who appear to be confident and carry theirselves that way. That seems to be one of the first things they notice. Even if you are a little “bigger” or not super skinny it makes you more attractive.

Who knows I could be way off base but just from my experience and watching interactions when I am out and things. It is what I find to be true.

But there you have it I am losing weight for me, so I feel better not for any other reason. As much as I knew I needed to lose more after I lost all that last year I did not actively try or gobout of my way to. I just had another change in life situations and ended up losing another big amount as a part of it. Yes I do need to lose more to get to where I need to be and wanted to try and go ahead and lose it too. But I haven’t stuck with it, I have gained a little back but I am okay with that. I know I will go back down again and figure it is better to let my body maintain again for a bit before I decide to try again. I seem to do better if I maintain a bit after a big loss. And right now I am not into putting in the effort to lose more when it isn’t something that has to be done right now.

Number Crunch

So tonight at work I had a little bit of free time, so I crunched numbers. If my job cuts me to 15 hours after this week tthings are not going to look good. Even with him giving me money for the kids. He will give me x amount but then that will get divided by 3 and ssi will take that out of my son’s chech every month. So I am not ahead the full amount of what he gives me. A third of that is just making up for what I will lose.

Between my hours getting cut and his check being cut and bills going up. I will be $200 short a month just making basic bills. I have to get another job. Hopefully full time at more than I am making now. At least not less. If I make what I do now get 40 hours a week i will just cover bills. I need to have gas money and things as well. Once my mom leaves lights and water will drop and that will help. She washes her hands 5 or 6 times in a row, washes clothes over and over dries them forever. Im not here to put a stop to it so my bills are up there right now. Pray only about a month or less from the 13th.

But i still need to find a decent job making decent money. I want to get ahead and not just get by or almost survive.